Pregnancy Brain without the pregnancy

Today I feel the way that I did when I was pregnant with Alaina and all of my brain cells were going to her.  Anyone who has ever conceived knows exactly what I am talking about.  The second line appears on the stick and almost instantaneously your IQ drops 30 points.  Back then, I was okay with it because I was growing a human being and that is hard work.

Right now though?  Not pregnant.  Not been pregnant.  Probably not ever gonna be pregnant again.  Yet, I can't seem to formulate complete sentences.  Last night I was watching an old episode of Kids Week Jeopardy and got my ass kicked by an 11 year old.  Which completely defeated the purpose of watching Jeopardy during kid week.  Isn't that when I am supposed to feel smarter because I know all the answers?

HA.

The only reason I am posting today is because I have been wanting to for over two weeks with absolutely nothing intelligent to share with you.  Today, I realized that you already know I am not a rocket scientist if you've read anything else I've posted here.  What a huge weight was lifted when I decided to stop waiting for inspiration to strike before I post.  I foresee a lot of consistent posting here about more random nonsense than usual.  Stick around.  One day quality will once again trump quantity.  Or summer will get here and there will once again be room in my brain for something other than school lunch calendars and making sure a uniform is clean* for tomorrow.  Of course then I'll be too busy sticking my toes in the sand to even think about the computer screen and sitting down to write.  

Only 73 days to go....

*in full disclosure N does all the laundry in our house because my definition of clean is stain free and without a smell whether it's been worn twice or 25 times

You can't go back

You know how sometimes you know something in your gut, you're sure of it but it's never really been spoken so you convince yourself that you're imagining it?  You talk yourself down off the ledge because clearly, you are overreacting.  You have no proof of this thing.  Your gut must be wrong.  You move on with your day brushing aside that nagging feeling each time that it arises.  You refuse to react to something that hasn't even happened yet.

Then you find out that you weren't wrong.  That thing that you knew in your gut, that nagging feeling was a thousand percent accurate.  Your stomach pitches and you feel the bile rising up in your throat as you will yourself not to vomit.  All the air whooshes out of your lungs like a balloon that has just been deflated.  You want to breathe, you try to breathe in and out but your lungs are frozen in place with no oxygen in them.  Finally your brain connects with them and you gasp in big gulps of air as tears begin pouring down your face uncontrollably.  Reality slams into you like a mac truck.  You think it is going to kill you.  Why didn't it kill you?  You've just been run over; you should be flat as a pancake, feeling nothing.  But you're just a crumpled mess waiting for the next wave of reality to hit you again.  It is coming, the waves of knowledge wash over you again and again and you know that the old saying is true.  Ignorance is bliss.  You desperately wish to turn back time and return to that naivety.  But there is no going back.  There is only forward.

How do you move forward?  An impossibly thick fog has settled over the road in front of you and the ground has shifted.  The path that seemed so clear a few moments ago is dark and hazy.  You can't see which direction is smooth and which ends in a cliff.  Is there even a smooth path there anymore?

If you can find the will to forge on, how do you begin to find your way again?  Do you even try to see what the right direction is?  Or do you just stumble forward, praying that if the cliff is what is up ahead, it finds you soon?

What to do without Scandal?

It has been 57 days since the last new episode of Scandal and I am going through withdrawal.  Thank God I stumbled across the Scandal aftershow on AfterBuzz TV.  Back episodes of these have been keeping me from losing what little sanity I have.  Not to be disrespectful to the boys on the show but Kennelia and Sofia Stanley are amazing.  These girls get on and kill it.  Between Sofia talking out of both sides of her mouth (a phrase that I love) and Kennelia picking a cold piece of the week (it's Scandal - they're all deliciously awful) they have captivated my attention completely.  I am almost caught up to real time and can't wait to listen to their podcast right after the weekly shows.

But...it's not Scandal.  It's not Grey's.  It's not Viola Davis.  I have all this free time on Thursday nights now that I wandered aimlessly through the house the first couple of weeks, feeling like something is missing.  Then I remembered back in the day when I used to read in my free time.  I haven't picked up anything new lately because when I do, I tend to get get consumed and shut out the rest of the world.  And by consumed, I mean sucked in, stuck on the couch, barely stopping to eat, and biting the head off anyone that suggests I should do something crazy like sleep.  I pulled out my list of books that I have been wanting to read and got busy ordering.  I should start and finish one at a time, but I never do anything normally so I'm currently in the middle of all of them.

1. Facing the Music by Jennifer Knapp - anyone who's known me for 10 seconds knows that she is my favorite artist.  Her albums have been feeding my soul for nearly 2 decades and now she has a BOOK.  This will be one that I have two copies of - one to keep and one to loan out - because I'm going to recommend it to everyone who will stand still long enough to listen to me rave.

2. On The Road - The Original Scroll by Jack Kerouac - Who doesn't love Kerouac?  And this is his original scroll.  No paragraphs, no chapters, just pages and pages of writing all in a row.  As someone who journals in a stream-of-consciousness style this appeals to me in a huge way.  This book is all about taking time to enjoy the journey instead of focusing on the destination.  It makes me want to get in the car and go off in search of adventures.

3. The Energy Bus by Jon Gordon - You cannot read this book and be in a bad mood.  Even if you are annoyed by the cheerfulness of the characters in the beginning (I was), you start to realize what a grump you're being by Chapter 4.  It is exactly what you need to focus on the positive things around you instead of wallowing in the negative.  What?  I'm the only one who does that?  Fine.  Read it anyway - it's still good.

I'm starting my summer list of must reads now in preparation.  Is there anything you've read that I should add to the list?

One Word 365

For each new morning with its light,

For rest and shelter of the night,

For health and food, for love and friends

For everything Thy goodness sends.

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Rather than setting resolutions for the new year, each January I select a word to focus on during the coming months.  For the past month I have been all set with a word, knowing exactly what I want, just waiting for January 1st to roll around.  In order to spare you a lot of boring back and forth, I will skip to the end where I shelved my original word and decided to go with the word that continued to present itself to me.

Gratitude.

Because I am the super nerd that I am, I went over to Merriam Webster to see what they had to say about my word.  They define gratitude as "the state of being grateful".  It immediately became clear why this word was swirling around in my head.  I am not ungrateful for the blessings in my life, but I do not live in a state of gratitude.  I feel strongly convicted that there is room in my core for change.  The following quote by JFK sums up exactly how I am feeling.

As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.

I don't want to just say thank you for the things in my life.  I want to change my perspective so that I wake each morning grateful for a good nights sleep instead of groaning that I don't want to get up.  I want to be grateful for the legs that carry me down the stairs in my warm, cozy house instead of grumbling that the coffee maker is ALL THE WAY DOWN STAIRS.  Don't get me wrong, I don't want to turn into Mary Poppins, but I have an abundance of blessings that I need to start acknowledging.  

Do you have any words that you will be focusing on this year?  Please leave them in the comment and hop on over to http://oneword365.com/ to find other members of your tribe!