Acceptance

Nothing is so painful to the human mind as a great and sudden change. ~Mary Shelly

Life is funny. Feelings and emotions get wrapped up with rational thoughts and cloud my vision. The things that I could see so clearly, the things that I was so sure of suddenly became hazy. No matter how hard I try to bring it back into focus, nothing is the way that I thought it would be. Today I came to the realization that the thick fog surrounding me isn't going anywhere; it is my new normal. I have been waiting so long to get past the pain but there is no getting past it. The freshness will continue to subside and make way for the dull ache that will never completely leave me. It will be like phantom limb pain; the limb may be gone but the pain still exists and it is real.

When I wrote about the stages of grief, I imagined that acceptance would be like putting the final piece of the puzzle in place. Like it was actually something that could be completed and considered "done" and after that I would be all whole and healed. Perhaps that is not actually the case. Perhaps acceptance doesn't mean that there is no pain but that I am acknowledging that I bear the wounds of a battle hard fought. It means that I am owning my scars, wearing them proudly because they mean I have tried. I didn't just surrender to the grief and pain threatening to completely consume me. I am fighting to dig myself out of the trenches, bit by bit, until I can rise above the pain of the past. I might be an ugly, beaten, bloody, mess but I am still standing. And that is something I can finally accept.

I'm still looking up

When I look into your eyes

It's like watching the night sky

Or a beautiful sunrise

Well there's so much they hold

And just like them old stars

I see that you've come so far

To be right where you are

How old is your soul?

I won't give up on us

Even if the skies get rough

I'm giving you all my love

I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space

To do some navigating

I'll be here patiently waiting

To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn

Some even fall to the earth

We've got a lot to learn

God knows we're worth it

No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily

I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make

Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts

We got yeah, we got a lot at stake

And in the end,

You're still my friend at least we didn't tend

For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn

We had to learn, how to bend without the world caving in

I had to learn what I got, and what I'm not

And who I am

I won't give up on us

Even if the skies get rough

I'm giving you all my love

I'm still looking up

I won't give up on us

God knows I'm tough, he knows 

We got a lot to learn

God knows we're worth it

I won't give up on us

Even if the skies get rough

I'm giving you all my love

I'm still looking up...

Burdens should not have to be carried alone

Sweet girl.

You have been on my mind every second of today.  I can't seem to focus on anything else; every ounce of my being is broken for you.

I don't know what to say.  I don't know what to tell you.  The hurt for everything you are walking through is too great for words.  Tears are streaming down my face because I can't fix it.  Oh, but I would.  If I could just kiss the boo boo, put a band-aid on it and rock you in my lap until you felt better I would do exactly that.

Why are grown-up problems so much harder to solve than kids?  If only we had known then, we might have blown off the skinned knee a little more often.

It's too much.  It's too much to comprehend, too much to try to wrap my brain around.  Over and over and over I run through it all again, trying to think of a way to help you.  I feel so helpless.  It's the worst feeling in the world, helplessness.  Watching someone you love suffering, unable to do a damn thing about it.  Forget fire-filled inferno's, that is true hell.

I know that God is in control, He just feels so very far away right now.

Thank you, for sharing your heart with me.  For finding my home to be a shelter in the storm.  For trusting that your most intimate fears are safe in my hands.  Rest assured that they are, my darling.  I am clutching them to my chest and weeping with you, pouring out unspoken prayers in rivers. Walk a little lighter, knowing that this weight is not on your shoulders alone.

I love you.

I am here.

It will get better.

I really, really hope it's soon.

He'll meet you wherever you are

Last week was not an excellent one.  There was one day in particular that just got started off on the wrong foot. I was tired, grumpy and generally not feeling like I was exhibiting my best self.  I'm sure none of you are shocked by this, but I think it's important to be honest about the state I was in.  This carried on through the better part of the day and I was SO looking forward to going home as soon as I helped the last person in front of me.  My plan was to get Alaina from school and let her watch as many cartoons as she wanted while we snuggled on the couch.

I imagine that God likes to laugh a lot at the plans I make.

As I was helping her, we were talking a bit and I could tell that a heavy burden was being carried.  I listened to her telling her story and my heart broke at the same time my brain was wondering how she was managing to get up every morning.  The counter between us seemed like a ridiculously large barrier so I walked around it to stand next to her.  As she continued talking, I felt very strongly that she wasn't the only one speaking to my heart.  God's voice was right there, telling me to pray with her.

I am firmly rooted in my faith and have no trouble whatsoever expressing my beliefs.  I also have a firm grasp on the fact that not everyone believes what I believe.  The office is not a place where I feel the need to speak to people about the Romans Road or ask if their name is written in the Lambs Book of Life.  Asking a complete stranger if I could pray over her while standing in the front office was not on my list of things to do.  Ever.  But that is the thing about being called by God; He doesn't so much care if it was on your to-do list.  He knows you better than you know yourself and He is going to use you exactly where you are.

I had to dig the words deep from my gut and force them out.  But I asked her if I could pray with her and she said yes.  I have no idea what I said, but it didn't matter.  If God could use me as a vessel, He could make the words tumbling out be what she needed to hear.  I am very sure that there were some very surprised co-workers who were wondering why the lesbian girl that is sometimes a little rough around the edges was crying and praying in the front office.  One of them asked who she was...I responded honestly that I've never met her before in my life.

I am so, so imperfect.  I make mistakes and less than loving decisions often.  But I cannot, CANNOT ignore very clear convictions about something I am being called to do.  Even when they don't make sense to anyone else.  Even when they don't make sense to me.  I don't know why I was called to pray with this woman on this day, but I walked away with a renewed sense of wonder at the awesome God we serve.  We live in a world that loves to judge and tell people that aren't "good Christians" that God hates them.

THAT IS NOT TRUE.

Just like an earthly parent, God wants nothing more than to lavish you with love and joy.  He may not always think you're making the best choices, but He NEVER stops loving you.  He NEVER stops listening if you want to talk.  There is ALWAYS room in his lap to curl up and let yourself be comforted.  So wherever you are, please hear that today.  Tune out all of the noise around you from other imperfect people and listen to the voice of the One who matters.

Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord - Romans 8:38-39

Roses are red...skin should not be

This weekend was Valentine's Day.  It is my least favorite holiday ever.

Ever.

But my sweet N is a bit of a romantic soul and I wanted to make it a special evening for her.  Since we've been on the go so much lately I thought a quiet dinner at home would be exactly what we needed.  I found a recipe for Ropa Vieja and decided to give it a go.  What's the worst thing that could happen?  If it turned out terrible, we would laugh it off and order a pizza.

Well....

I was wrong.

In the middle of prep work, I had a small-ish mishap with a hot pan and some grease that ended with extremely hot grease covering my upper body.  Did I mention that I was wearing a tank top?  I mean, it's December and we don't live in San Diego so any sane person would be in long sleeves.  But my stupid internal thermostat seems to think that it is always 95 degrees so I run around in the least amount of clothing possible.  For the first minute or two, I didn't even realize quite how bad it was.  Then I looked down to see that my arms and chest were turning bright red and beginning to blister.

Thankfully, my sweet friend Sarah was there and she got on the phone with the doctor, got Silvadene called in, and made sure that I was covered in it immediately.  Then she proceeded to load my dishwasher and dig out the aspirin while I laid on the couch trying to convince myself that my skin was not, in fact, melting off.  N got home from work and took over babying me.   We traded our fancy clothes for old pajamas, Channel perfume for medicinal cream.  Our romantic dinner took place on the couch and involved absolutely no candlelight.

But you know what?  This is what life is.  Real life.  Two people getting through an entire lifetime together and realizing that the most important thing is that we were together.  No movie about romance will ever show the lovebirds falling asleep on the couch at 8:30 on Valentine's Day.  But that is exactly what we did and it was glorious.  There will be another day for wine and candles.

Flame-less, battery operated candles.  Just to be safe.

Here's hoping that your Valentine's Day was far less eventful than ours.

Xoxo

Sit With Me in the Silence

This morning it is with a heavy heart that I share the passing of Miguel Angel.  He was the brother of a dear friend of ours and someone that N has known for most of her life.  She is grieving for the loss of someone she cared for and aching for her very best friend who lost a brother.  I wish that there was something I could say to make it better.

As I was putting Alaina to bed last night I explained that someone we knew went to go be with Jesus so we were just sad.  She scooted over to make room for me to climb in and snuggle with her.  "Please sing me a song and stay for a few minutes tonight, mommy."  Needing it as much as she did, I laid down next to her and began singing our usual nighttime songs.  My voice (lovely thought it is - ha!) was giving out on me so eventually we just lay there in the quiet with only the lights of her tiny Christmas tree glowing in the room.  

Several minutes passed and I got up to leave.  My sweet, sleepy girl rolled over and gave me a hug and kiss so I would feel better.  Surprisingly enough, I did feel better.  She said nothing to comfort me.  She knew that there was nothing that she could do to fix it.  So she sat with me and loved me until I felt better.

How often do we try to fix someone's problem when there really is nothing that can be done?  We mutter words of sympathy and say things like, "It's better, they're not suffering anymore." and "You'll see them again one day in Heaven."  I know we mean well and I am not intending to offend anyone by saying this.  I just want to point out that sometimes, the thing that will help someone feel better is not making them feel better.  

My daughter did this for me last night.  She sat with me in that quiet room and trusted God to heal the parts of me that needed healing.  And He did.  So the next time someone you know is hurting, allow them to grieve.  Allow them to tell funny stories and good memories.  Allow them to be broken and cry.  Stop trying to fix the things that cannot be fixed and just sit with them in the silence.  It might just be exactly what they need.

My faith is restored

So many times there are things that cause my faith in humanity to falter a little.  Or a lot.  This includes the general ugliness of people around me as well as more specifically targeted hatred towards the LGBT community.  Hop online for longer than five minutes and you will be bombarded with stories in which people are discriminated against and belittled because of their sexuality.  It is nearly impossible to remain naive to the controversy that is happening in Russia, as they have somehow managed to regress instead of moving forward.  It is incredibly disheartening that the worst of the damage so often is coming from the very people that proclaim God's love.  The basics of the message are horribly twisted.  God loves everyone - unless you are LGBT and then God hates you.  What?  You're gay?  Nope, no mercy for you!

Thank goodness that thicker skin I special ordered came in already, because it's going to come in handy.

In light of all that, it is so difficult to remain positive and optimistic about the changes that are happening.  But today, I came across this incredible website that has restored a little bit of my faith.  Inspired by the It Gets Better Project, the NALT (Not All Like That) Christians Project has been started.  The goal of this project is to tell the LGBT community that not all Christians are like that.  There is love and support out there.  Spirituality and sexuality are not mutually exclusive.  So many videos have been uploaded already and I am beyond certain that there will be more to come.  I strongly encourage anyone reading this to go check it out for yourself and then tell everyone you know to do the same.  It won't be often that I really passionately speak out about something like this, but I welcome the opportunity to do so today.  

Now I am off to do the same as I only made it through a handful of videos before I had to stop and share it and I am dying to get back and watch the rest of the them.  Please go check it out.  I have a feeling it will help restore your faith in humanity a little bit too.

Freedom

It's time to let go.  It's time to purge.  It is time to release myself from the bonds that have held me in this place for far too long.  It is a scary thing to be bound by chains, to be held and stuck and unable to move.  It is a far scarier thing to find that the chains you thought held you were unlocked the whole time and that you are the one holding yourself in that place.  So often, we are the enemy.  You've heard the phrase, "you are your own worst enemy."  It is sheer TRUTH.  We bind and gag ourselves.  We hold ourselves still and remain silent, frozen in fear.  On the rare occasion that we actually find a way to move, most of us still pick up the chains and carry them with us - just in case we should ever need to remember that we were once bound by them.

How ridiculous we are.  How ridiculous I have been.

I am a writer.  Duh.  You know this already or you wouldn't be here reading this.  I have never thrown away anything I've written.  I have buried it in boxes, under the bed, in the attic.  I have mailed things to friends (and they to me) that are too painful to have under my roof with me, but I am not willing to part with because I might want it one day.  As I write this I realize that I am a hoarder. Not of things, though I do have my fair share of them, but of emotions.  And what is writing if not emotions poured out on paper?  By holding on to all of those things, I am allowing the feelings in them to continue to bind me to the past.  I speak of how grateful I am to be here.  To have been to the wars and fought and come out on the other side.  And yet, I hold on to the story of the wars so that I can re-live it if I have a whim to.  I cling tightly to them and hoard the feelings and words contained in them.  I tell you how much I have changed and how far I have come - look you can see it on paper!  I am not there anymore!  But how far have I really come if I can't release myself from the words that are chaining me to that place?

Perhaps not as far as I thought.

By holding on to those words, I am giving myself permission to beat myself up for mistakes made long ago.  I am allowing my heart to re-open wounds that have healed already.  I am an emotional cutter in these moments, self-inflicting pain that there is no need to cause.  And it has got to stop.  No one else is holding those mistakes against me.  No one else is screaming that I have done damage to those I love.  No one else is inflicting judgement.  No one.  It's all me.  Which is both freeing and humiliating in the same moment.

So I am letting go.  I am throwing away the chains that I have been secretly carrying around.  I will not allow them to hold me and weigh me down any longer.  The only way that I can do this is to throw them away. Literally.  This is frightening for me because I have never put in the garbage my own words before.  But they are no longer words on a page.  They are a battleground.  The scars of the battle are still with me and are continuing to heal with time.  But they cannot do that if I am living on the battleground.  It is harder than I thought it would be, to throw them away, and release them.  But the result is so, so, worth it.  Because there is beauty in the ashes.  And more importantly, perhaps most importantly...

There is freedom.

Looking Back

I was looking for something in an archive of old writing earlier.  As I skimmed and browsed, I happened to stumble across this:

I so envy the people who know exactly what their dreams are.  Those people who know exactly who they are and what they desire out of life.  Their unshakable confidence makes me insane with jealousy.  Not because they are smarter, or prettier, or more talented, but because they are SO sure of what they want.  Even if the pathway to get there is broken, they have a destination to aim for, a direction to walk in.  I long for a moment of that kind of clarity.  Just once, I would like to feel that sure of myself instead of the crippling self-doubt that tells me every decision I am making is the wrong one.

I hope that one day I will find that girl and truly love her for all of the things that make her uniquely "her", completely and unconditionally.  Maybe one day...

I sat back in my chair aching for the girl behind these words, hardly believing that they were my own.  I was about to continue skimming when I happened to note the date that I wrote these: April 8, 2011.  Exactly two years ago today.  How on earth did I get from there to here?  I can't remember ever noticing the change.  I didn't wake up one day happy and bursting with self-confidence,  yet nothing in me identifies with the words written above. The most painful thing about self-discovery and assurance is that it is solitary.  No one can make those decisions for you; it's a road you take all by yourself.  But I wish so much that I could sit down with that girl and chat with her for a few minutes.  I so badly want to gather her up in a hug and try to ease some of the pain that she is carrying.  

Oh sweetie, it doesn't matter if you know what direction you're walking in, it matters that you keep walking.  You don't have to have a specific dream as long as you're open to new possibilities that the world might send your way.  No one has all the answers; You are not supposed to know them all.  But you must commit to seeking them with all your heart.  The more transparent and authentic you are (even if only with yourself), the more you will feel your spirit begin to sing.  Don't shut people out who love you, even if they don't know how to help, they mean well.  Lean on them when you cannot hold yourself up anymore.  I promise that it will get easier.  Hang in there.  You are better than this moment in time.    You may not know it yet, but I do.  For you see, I have been there.

What do you say?

Last night was one of the longest nights of my life.  To be quite honest, I don't even know how to begin processing it.  I really don't. 

I am not a strong swimmer.  I mean, I can get myself from one end of the pool to the other but that's about it.  No one is going to ask me to be a lifeguard.  I am completely and totally unequipped to jump in and pull someone to safety.  But what do you do if you are the only one there and someone is drowning?  You jump.  I jumped.  Praying the entire time.  Only it wasn't into the water, it was into a very unstable conversation.

I am so grateful that there are people in this world that are cut out to work on a crisis hotline; I am very aware that I am not one of them.  What are you supposed to say?  Is sympathy in order or does that only enable?  Will tough love get their attention or break them down completely?  How do you convince someone that they are not alone and their life is worthwhile?  What do you say?  Something.  Anything.  I racked my sleep deprived brain for wisdom and prayed that somehow the words that I was saying were making a difference.  Long term, I am not so sure that they did, but we made it through the night, which is all I can ask for right now.  Only time will tell what is going to happen in the future.  

So today as my brain tries to process everything, I am left with just this one question...What do you say when there are no words?

I Am Not Worthy

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.

The five stages of grief.  I move through them, circling, rewinding, progressing, repeating the first four steps so many times I lose count.  I feel as though I have moved on to acceptance.  I let my guard down a fraction of an inch to exhale, but grief is a sneaky bitch.  She reaches out an iron fist to squeeze my heart once again.  There are times that I can see the blow coming and can shield myself from the brunt of it.  But she has caught me in a moment of vulnerability and I am blind sided by the force with which it struck me.  My breath catches in my lungs, frozen in place, while tears well up in my eyes.  I don't even realize that they are streaming down my face until the collar of my shirt is soaked with them.  I feel a hand reach out to grasp mine and that is my undoing.  The breath that has been frozen releases in a sob as I bury my face in her neck.  Time stands still.  I feel nothing but the waves of grief washing over me.  As the pain subsides and the clock begins to move again, I am acutely aware of a voice whispering in my ear. I love you.  I am here.  Always.  I love you.  No matter what happens, I will always be here.  I love you.  I am here. I love you. I am here. I love you.  Her arms are around me and she is gently rocking my broken body back and forth, stroking my hair, soothing my soul. The abundant love that is so freely shared humbles me.  

Here tonight in this space I feel the love that passes all understanding.  I feel the grace of God in human form.  An angel that has stood in the divide and covered the gap. 

I am reminded again that the pain of what I have lost cannot begin to compare with the magnitude of what I have gained.  

I am not worthy. 

I am not worthy.

The Ending

"Great is the art of the beginning, but greater is the art of ending."

~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I have been thinking about this a lot lately, the ending of things.  Whether it's a relationship, a friendship, a job, or any other ending, we tend to handle it badly.  Even though change is truly the only constant in life, so it's inevitable that things are going to change.  If you're anything like me, you play what-if's for the next 6 months, and wonder why, what, how things could have gone differently.  I used to make myself crazy this way!  It has not been until very recently that I really got some clarity on the subject.

Instead of dreading change and fearing the ending of things, we should treat them as necessary steps to the new beginning of something else.  With grapevines, there is a pruning that must take place in order for the vines to produce grapes.  Every season, cuts are made so the rest of the vine may flourish and bear fruit.  In life, I am hesitant to make these cuts, to sever the ties.  It is extremely painful and difficult.  However, I am learning that evaluating where cuts need to be made is essential to living a full and rich life that will be fruitful.  Bad habits that need to be cut, a toxic work environment needs to be cut, someone with constant negativity needs to be cut.  Not necessarily cut out of your life, especially if it is a person, but putting the boundary there that allows you to step back from the influence it has on your life and your ability to move forward.

By being aware of what feeds us and being willing to end the things that are holding us back, we are truly able to begin to grow and move on to the bright new beginning that is just waiting for us to step into it.