Acceptance

Nothing is so painful to the human mind as a great and sudden change. ~Mary Shelly

Life is funny. Feelings and emotions get wrapped up with rational thoughts and cloud my vision. The things that I could see so clearly, the things that I was so sure of suddenly became hazy. No matter how hard I try to bring it back into focus, nothing is the way that I thought it would be. Today I came to the realization that the thick fog surrounding me isn't going anywhere; it is my new normal. I have been waiting so long to get past the pain but there is no getting past it. The freshness will continue to subside and make way for the dull ache that will never completely leave me. It will be like phantom limb pain; the limb may be gone but the pain still exists and it is real.

When I wrote about the stages of grief, I imagined that acceptance would be like putting the final piece of the puzzle in place. Like it was actually something that could be completed and considered "done" and after that I would be all whole and healed. Perhaps that is not actually the case. Perhaps acceptance doesn't mean that there is no pain but that I am acknowledging that I bear the wounds of a battle hard fought. It means that I am owning my scars, wearing them proudly because they mean I have tried. I didn't just surrender to the grief and pain threatening to completely consume me. I am fighting to dig myself out of the trenches, bit by bit, until I can rise above the pain of the past. I might be an ugly, beaten, bloody, mess but I am still standing. And that is something I can finally accept.

Make It Happen

In honor of International Women's Day (which was yesterday), I thought I would share a couple of my favorite quotes about bad ass women.  I love being a woman.  Sometimes I wish it didn't come with childbirth but I still wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.  Being a woman is awesome so let us all set aside our differences and lift each other up.  Or at least shut up and don't be a judgmental asshole.

For most of history, Anonymous was a woman ~ Virginia Woolf


Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim. ~ Nora Ephron


I myself have never been able to find out precisely what a feminist is.  I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat ~ Rebecca West


She was free in her wildness.  She was a wanderess, a drop of free water.  She belonged to no man and to no city ~ Roman Payne


I want to be representative of my race - the human race.  I have a chance to show how kind we can be, how intelligent and generous we can be ~ Maya Angelou


Women are naturally secretive, and they like to do their own secreting. ~ Arthur Conan Doyle


There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. ~ Madeleine Albright


And my personal favorite is...


No woman gets an orgasm from shining the kitchen floor - Betty Friedan

One Word 365

For each new morning with its light,

For rest and shelter of the night,

For health and food, for love and friends

For everything Thy goodness sends.

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Rather than setting resolutions for the new year, each January I select a word to focus on during the coming months.  For the past month I have been all set with a word, knowing exactly what I want, just waiting for January 1st to roll around.  In order to spare you a lot of boring back and forth, I will skip to the end where I shelved my original word and decided to go with the word that continued to present itself to me.

Gratitude.

Because I am the super nerd that I am, I went over to Merriam Webster to see what they had to say about my word.  They define gratitude as "the state of being grateful".  It immediately became clear why this word was swirling around in my head.  I am not ungrateful for the blessings in my life, but I do not live in a state of gratitude.  I feel strongly convicted that there is room in my core for change.  The following quote by JFK sums up exactly how I am feeling.

As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.

I don't want to just say thank you for the things in my life.  I want to change my perspective so that I wake each morning grateful for a good nights sleep instead of groaning that I don't want to get up.  I want to be grateful for the legs that carry me down the stairs in my warm, cozy house instead of grumbling that the coffee maker is ALL THE WAY DOWN STAIRS.  Don't get me wrong, I don't want to turn into Mary Poppins, but I have an abundance of blessings that I need to start acknowledging.  

Do you have any words that you will be focusing on this year?  Please leave them in the comment and hop on over to http://oneword365.com/ to find other members of your tribe!

Spring Fever

It's spring fever.  That is what the name of it is.  And when you've got it, you want - oh, you don't quite know what it is you do want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so!   ~ Mark Twain

It is beautiful outside and spring fever abounds around me.  Each person I talk to has a little extra energy radiating off them, yet somehow, the atmosphere as a whole is more relaxed.  There's no rush to be anywhere or do anything.  I can't quite put my finger on it.  It's almost as if everyone knows there is something wonderful around the corner and they're all just waiting for the universe to reveal it.

This is so the place that I am in today.  The weather is finally starting to warm up a little and the trees and flowers are starting to bloom.  The anticipation of summer hangs in the air.  Longer days.  Lazy evenings on a back porch with a glass of wine, watching the fireflies dance as the sun goes down.  There are hammocks to be napped in, grills to be fired up, and picnics to be had.  If you listen closely enough, you can almost hear the waves of the beach crashing, beckoning you to visit their sandy shores.  It's almost here.

Can you feel it?

The Ending

"Great is the art of the beginning, but greater is the art of ending."

~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I have been thinking about this a lot lately, the ending of things.  Whether it's a relationship, a friendship, a job, or any other ending, we tend to handle it badly.  Even though change is truly the only constant in life, so it's inevitable that things are going to change.  If you're anything like me, you play what-if's for the next 6 months, and wonder why, what, how things could have gone differently.  I used to make myself crazy this way!  It has not been until very recently that I really got some clarity on the subject.

Instead of dreading change and fearing the ending of things, we should treat them as necessary steps to the new beginning of something else.  With grapevines, there is a pruning that must take place in order for the vines to produce grapes.  Every season, cuts are made so the rest of the vine may flourish and bear fruit.  In life, I am hesitant to make these cuts, to sever the ties.  It is extremely painful and difficult.  However, I am learning that evaluating where cuts need to be made is essential to living a full and rich life that will be fruitful.  Bad habits that need to be cut, a toxic work environment needs to be cut, someone with constant negativity needs to be cut.  Not necessarily cut out of your life, especially if it is a person, but putting the boundary there that allows you to step back from the influence it has on your life and your ability to move forward.

By being aware of what feeds us and being willing to end the things that are holding us back, we are truly able to begin to grow and move on to the bright new beginning that is just waiting for us to step into it.