A tale of two houses

Do you know what the definition of insanity should be? Trying to move with a very active 6-year-old and a fussy 3 month old baby. Even more insane is when you're trying to move everything yourself over the course of a couple of weeks instead of just packing it all up and doing it in one or two days. Originally I thought that it would be easier since I could take things that were already packed and get them out of the way. However, that just means that half of what I need is at each house, and never in the house that I need it to be at in the moment. In hindsight, I might have been incorrect in my assessment of what it would take to move.

This weekend was the final push and everything is officially under the same roof. Of course there are 14 million boxes and my whole extended family running around so it is about as chaotic as you would imagine. There is a distinct possibility that at this exact moment, I am hiding in a closet in order to write. I wasn't even really looking to write anything profound, just get out whole sentences that weren't me trying to figure out what to feed the hungry people around me demanding to be fed.

Not that I am not grateful to those people, because I am. There is absolutely no way that I could have moved without the enormous amount of help from the people that came to pitch in. I am just also incapable of making any more decisions at the moment, even if it's just what we want to be delivered, pizza or Chinese.  So I'm going to sit here in my quiet closet for five more minutes and do nothing in the glorious silence before I rejoin the land of the living. I'd stay a bit longer, but I forgot my glass of wine, and I'm a girl with priorities so I guess I shall have to head back out for now!

Pop-tarts and world peace

Through the years I have found that I tend to go in spurts. There are times where I am really on the ball, writing every day, blogging a couple times a week, checking in with my people often, and keeping everything balanced. During those spurts I feel invincible. All is right with the world and tiny birds hover around me singing as if I'm in a Disney movie. Okay, that might have been a slight exaggeration but it's pretty close.

THIS is not one of those spurts. I haven't sat down to write in well over a month and I'm very certain that I have friends who are cursing my name because I have been terrible about responding lately. (I am so very sorry if you are one of those people. I promise I'll try to get better soon). There are 12,000 sticky notes littering my notebooks and desk, most of which contain things that I have still forgotten even though I wrote them down.

I completely forgot that it was the 100th day of school until the day before; of course I had volunteered to send in fruit loops long before my life got crazy. After returning home from the store (where I got many important things like a new hooded sweatshirt), I realized that I had still forgotten the fruit loops. So we stopped at Kroger on the way in to school where I instantly became the coolest mom ever because when you're 6 years old, pop tarts and a hot cocoa from the in-store Starbucks is the BEST BREAKFAST IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

I feel very strongly that we could take a cue from the children in the world.  Can't we cure the world's problems with a nationwide trip to Starbucks and a sugary pastry? It solves most of my problems. And aren't all problems basically the same, just on different scales?  Perhaps someone should let the president know that we just solved that one for him. I mean, it may not fit into the whole fitness plan that his wife has implemented but I think we could all use a little more processed sugar in our lives. Don't you agree?

A year of changes

As we bring 2015 to a close and I reflect back on the last twelve months, I can't help but wonder how exactly I've managed to remain sane. Well sane-ish...I gave up on actual sanity years ago. It certainly has been a year of unexpected changes, some welcome, some not. I've joked with friends that rather than 'Gratitude', my word(s) for this year should have been 'expletives'. It doesn't really matter which one because they've all been rolling off my tongue in rapid fire succession in the midst of the years' events. I have tried to remain as positive as possible throughout everything that has happened. I have failed completely, laughed it off, and poured another drink. Now you all know that I'm a gin girl through and through.

BUT...

Apparently when the going gets tough the tough develop a taste for bourbon. Not that lately I've had much time for sitting and sipping on cocktails. Lately, I've been mainlining all of the caffeine I can handle. Coffee, soda, red bull, you name it, I'm drinking it. I have never been so tired or so full of joy in my life. If you're thinking it sounds like there's a new baby in our house, well, you'd be right.

I'd like you to meet Kinsley Blair Anderson, who we affectionately call KB. She was born the day before Thanksgiving and is the cutest little peanut ever. The story of how she came to live with us is long and complicated and really doesn't matter nearly as much as the fact that we love having her! As you can imagine, Alaina is beside herself with glee at the opportunity to play with a live baby doll.

Aren't they sweet in their pretty Christmas Dresses? Of course, what you're not seeing is me in the picture because 20 minutes of wrestling a newborn into tights left me a hot, sweaty mess. Which was absolutely worth it to see them dressed up together but not something I needed photographic evidence of. Let's just go ahead and assume that the only pictures coming up will be of the tiny humans since we all know that no one has time for mascara around here these days. But that's okay. They're cuter than the rest of us anyway.

Even when they're making crazy eyes at me for taking yet another picture because the one million that I've already taken just aren't enough.

Happy New Year!

General nonsense and avoidance issues

I have been a terrible blogger lately, but honestly I've been writing lots...just not posting it. I haven't really been in the mood to talk, I'm still not actually so instead I'm going to post about everything else going on in my life except all the stuff that I really should be talking about. Because I can't. It's just too painful and too raw and talking about it just makes it feel real. And I cannot bear the thought of it being real. So here we go.

1. I've recently gotten an AppleTV and it's like Christmas morning every evening now. Who knew watching Netflix on an actual television and not a 6" tablet was that much better? And should I get a wild hair and want to exercise all I have to do is click on over to YouTube for a video. No laptops hooked up with cables and having to get up every time I want to look for something else on the keyboard. It's glorious. Which leads me into my next point

2. Grace & Frankie is my new favorite show. Fortunately/Unfortunately it's a Netflix original series which means that all of the episodes are released at once for the entire season. This is a double edged sword people. I love, love, love that I get to watch all of the episodes back to back without waiting a week in between. However I finished the entire season in approximately 2 days and now have to wait until 2016 for season 2 to come out. Is it just me or does that seem like it's REALLY far away?

3. I am currently working on 3 different crocheting projects, which is par for the course for me. I tend to get all caught up in a multitude of projects and then get so tired of looking at yarn I can't wait to be finished with them. Fast forward 3 months of not working on anything and repeat.

4. Tomorrow is the first Saturday in forever that we haven't had a soccer game to go to and I couldn't be more excited. Alaina loves going to the kids craft club at Michaels on Saturday mornings and she is beside herself that she gets to go again. I am also thrilled because for the bargain price of $2, Alaina gets to craft/paint/glue/glitter and generally make a mess that someone else is going to clean up for me. Can I get an AMEN?

5. Bathing suit shopping is miserable and really disheartening. I don't understand why it has to be SO difficult. I find it especially sad that I am struggling to find a cute, non-licensed character, 1 piece swimsuit for my child. My daughter who specifically asked for a 1 piece bathing suit because she likes to just step into it and go. If I don't want a bikini or a giant picture of Elsa my options are slim. When did just get an average bathing suit become so hard to find? The adult section is not much better. My choices are tiny bikinis, skirted suits in palm tree prints, or something that is actually cute but costs $200. NO bathing suit makes me feel attractive enough to spend that kind of money.

And I think that's about it for me. I do believe I have supplied you with enough high quality information to last for the weekend, don't you?

Hope you all have a great one.

S

Watch out Mia Hamm

The stars aligned, mother nature smiled down on us and the sun shown through the clouds just in time for Alaina's first soccer game on Saturday.  As a mama, I couldn't wait to see my girl in her first organized sports game.  As a realistic human, I was pretty skeptical about how 8, 5-year-olds were going to play when the first practice was held 30 minutes before the game.  Which, by the way, was precisely why we like this league; we do not have time to be messing with another weeknight event.  My sweet girl has never really been super competitive so I was shocked to see how quickly she morphed into MY child and dove right into the game.

Look at this sweetness with the little teeth gap and pigtails.  Who could have guessed that ten seconds later the monster would be unleashed and she would look like this?

Leader of the pack...though the little girl to her left really is as tiny as she looks and is absolutely adorable.

It was alllll good until the collision.  Then came the waterworks.  But look at those pigtails flying in the air!

Stretching in between rotations.  Gotta make sure those muscles stay warm and limber!

And my favorite.....watching with glee as her team scored another goal!  I don't think that they keep score but if anyone was...we lost but played with great heart, if not great coordination.

I have to say that I officially felt like a "mom" sitting on the sidelines cheering from a camp chair.  It's a really different feeling from having a baby.  Knowing how fast the last (almost) 6 years have gone by and that in another 6 she's going to be almost a teenager.  Excuse me while I go have a mini stroke now.

Till next week...

Has anyone seen my marbles?

These days my brain is just not functioning quite the way that it used to.  I feel like I need to be taking some sort of Ginko or St. Johns Wart or whatever it is that is supposed to help your memory.  Though at this point I'm in such a sorry state that I am fairly certain I am way beyond help.  It's really bad.

Alaina has been obsessed with marbles lately.  Had Santa realized that the $2 bag of marbles was going to be her favorite gift, he might have gone a different route with some of the other things he brought.  But isn't that just the way it goes with children?  I thought we had passed the phase where the big gifts were overlooked for the thrill of box hats and bubble wrap, but apparently I was wrong.  Mental note for next year I suppose.

I digress.

We have had a problem with keeping the marbles put up after they're done being played with.  Since none of the people under our roof are particularly graceful, a floor full of things to trip on is pretty dangerous.  Sunday, I had enough and cleaned up the marbles to a ziploc bag and hid them.  When she asked for them, I politely explained that if she had been the one to clean them up as asked, she would know where they were and could play with them.  Because I had to, we were going to take a break from the marbles for the afternoon.  Later in the day she asked for them back and I went to get them from where I hid them.  Or at least where I thought I hid them.  After an exhaustive search they were nowhere to be seen.

Guys.  I lost my marbles.  Literally.

I have been steadily looking for them in my free time over the last couple days and I still have no idea where they are.  It doesn't feel possible that in the span of a few hours, I would have completely forgotten where I put something so specific.  But if it can be done, I will find a way I suppose.  At this point I feel very strongly that it might be worth the $2 to buy some more marbles and chalk it up to a loss.  Sometimes you just have to know when to call it quits and throw in the towel.  I'm pretty sure losing your marbles is that point.

Hope you all have a thrilling Thursday!

Don't mess with my schedule

Daylight Savings Time.

Need I say more?

I am very certain that whomever came up with the idea to mess with the time twice a year was a man with no children.  I suppose that it could have been a woman with no children but I like to believe that a fellow woman would have more common sense than that.  I have heard all the "reasons" that it is supposed to be "better" but it's nonsense.  The only thing it effectively and consistently does is throw off everyone in the house.  Sleep schedules are off, all the clocks are wrong, and we all seem to be a little more on edge than normal.

I'm sure you can't tell this by my wonderful, uplifting post here.  Ahem.

The rest of the afternoon is going to be spent in search of soccer cleats and shin guards for the tiny who starts practice this week.  Since everything in her wardrobe MUST be pink it should be fun since her uniforms are going be orange and white.  Surely there's a shade of pink out there that doesn't clash with orange, right?

On second thought, maybe I'll just order some online and let there be harmony in my house for another day.

Mind the gap

Yesterday was an eventful day in our house!  Actually I should say it was an eventful day at school.  Alaina has had a loose tooth for the better part of month now.  Up until the last few days she has been pretty content to just let it wiggle as it saw fit and left it alone.  Then she decided that enough was enough and it needed some encouragement.  By encouragement I mean constantly touching it and trying to get it out for every hour she's awake.

When I got to the school to pick her up, she came sprinting down the hallway and blurted out, "Mommy!  My tooth came out at lunch when I twisted and twisted and twisted and then I heard it pop and that was my tooth and then it bled A LOT like I had to use 3 WHOLE napkins before I could get it to stop but then I put it next to the sink in the classroom so that I could go sing and it went down the drain so I don't have it to leave for the tooth fairy will she still bring me money?"

All in one breath and as quickly as I have ever heard her talk.  Do you think she's excited?

I explained that we would leave the tooth fairy a note and that would be just fine.  We got home and she had to write her note on pink paper because she wanted the note to be beautiful.  I'm not sure where this child got her love of pink, but it sure wasn't me.

None the less, the tooth fairy did come and brought her $5 for her missing tooth.  I explained that she only brought that much because it was the first one and it would probably be less next time.  You know, because she has to deliver money to LOTS of kids and she doesn't want to run out of money, right?  Or the tooth fairy needs some new summer shoes.  You know, so she can look cute while she's flying around in the dark. Either way, the tooth fairy's not bring anything close to the $20 as I've heard a few say recently.  That's just crazy talk people.  

Is it just me or has the tooth fairy gone a little crazy with the amount of money she's leaving?  How much did she bring you/your kids?

The midnight hour

There is something about the stillness of nightfall that lends itself to deep thinking.  When the rest of the world is fast asleep, the fog lifts and clarity settles into my bones.  All of the thoughts and anxieties that have been zooming around my brain quiet.  The only thing remaining in that sacred space is the truth.  

Last night I woke to my little one's face peering over the side of the bed.  "Mama?  Can I come snuggle with you?"  I looked back and saw pink footy pajamas & the sweetest face staring back at me, searching mine for the answer she wanted.  What was there to possibly say in that moment except for of course, climb up.  I shifted over and made room for her.  Before I could even give her a kiss, she was asleep again.  

We lay there in the bed together, belly to belly, both of us completely content.  Every night for months, we lay in this exact same position while Alaina was still nursing.  For many moms the middle of the night feedings are torture.  Me?  I loved them.  In those moments, it felt like there was no one in the world but us.  I used to stare at her with wonder, completely in awe of the fact that my very imperfect self created this oh-so-perfect baby.  Last night I marveled once again at the perfect miracle next to me.

It amazes me that the tiny baby who used to fit in the crook of my arm has grown into a long and lanky little girl whose feet are now even with my knees. Spindly arms threw themselves loosely over my shoulder as if wanting to hug me, but too tired to hang on.  Long thick hair tangled underneath my fingers in place of the baby fuzz that once covered her head.  So much has changed.  So much is the same.  She turns her face into my chest and I can feel her exhale against me.  I stroked the palm of her hand, still so tiny in mine.  Her fingers instinctively opened and closed around mine.  Even far off in dreamland she wanted to hold on to me. The shape of her face with her perfect nose is still exactly the same as it was 5 years ago.

I don't do this enough.  In the hustle of everyday life I don't take enough time to slow down and just drink it all in.  It goes by too fast.  

So for the next hour I pulled my baby in closer and fell in love with her all over again.  I felt the weight of the responsibility God has given me.  The honor and the privilege, the abundant blessings she brings all rained down on me.  The knowledge that so many souls are aching, desperate for the chance to experience this. Others mourning the loss, knowing all too well that not all stories turn out this way.  My heart filled and gratitude washed over me as I offered up a silent prayer of thanksgiving.

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Please let me go back

The top image was taken 3 days ago in Vega Baja, Puerto Rico.  The bottom image was in my neighborhood this morning.  The 72 hours between them have been filled with a very rocky flight, my baby having a stomach bug, a trip to the ER and absolutely no sleep.

3 days.  3 DAYS ago I was listening to the ocean crash and thinking of nothing in particular.  Today, I am afraid that I am at the beginning of the same bug that the tiny had.

I wanna go back to the island.

Rules are made to be broken

My child does not sleep in the bed with me.

My child has her own bed and I have mine.

I don't want to start a bad habit that I'll have to break.

My child has never, not once, spent the night in my bed.

If I have said these words once, I have said them a thousand times.  It has been a hard and fast rule in our home, with no wiggle room, since Alaina came home from the hospital.

For 5 years, 7 months, and 13 days I didn't budge.

And then I broke the rule.

My baby has been waking up with nightmares for the last week or so and I have no idea what is causing them.  She knows they're not real but she needs a snuggle which I am happy to provide. I calm her down and tuck her back in under the covers.  As long as I am in the room, she starts drifting back off to sleep. After I leave, I do a 3 minute countdown and she's back up telling me she's scared to go to sleep because she doesn't want to have the bad dreams again.

Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

I am exhausted.  She is exhausted.  We are not girls who are on their best behavior when they are sleep deprived (Any of my friends will attest to that fact immediately).

Last night my baby came into the room, trembling with fear after waking from another nightmare.  I gathered her up in my arms and murmured soothing words into her hair as we rocked back and forth on the bed.  As she clung to my arms, begging me not to leave her something inside me broke.  Screw the rules.  I threw back the covers and snuggled her down, so tiny in the middle of our king bed.  10 seconds later she was snoring and I knew that sometimes rules just need to be broken.

Especially when they're interfering with my sleep.

Pregnancy Brain without the pregnancy

Today I feel the way that I did when I was pregnant with Alaina and all of my brain cells were going to her.  Anyone who has ever conceived knows exactly what I am talking about.  The second line appears on the stick and almost instantaneously your IQ drops 30 points.  Back then, I was okay with it because I was growing a human being and that is hard work.

Right now though?  Not pregnant.  Not been pregnant.  Probably not ever gonna be pregnant again.  Yet, I can't seem to formulate complete sentences.  Last night I was watching an old episode of Kids Week Jeopardy and got my ass kicked by an 11 year old.  Which completely defeated the purpose of watching Jeopardy during kid week.  Isn't that when I am supposed to feel smarter because I know all the answers?

HA.

The only reason I am posting today is because I have been wanting to for over two weeks with absolutely nothing intelligent to share with you.  Today, I realized that you already know I am not a rocket scientist if you've read anything else I've posted here.  What a huge weight was lifted when I decided to stop waiting for inspiration to strike before I post.  I foresee a lot of consistent posting here about more random nonsense than usual.  Stick around.  One day quality will once again trump quantity.  Or summer will get here and there will once again be room in my brain for something other than school lunch calendars and making sure a uniform is clean* for tomorrow.  Of course then I'll be too busy sticking my toes in the sand to even think about the computer screen and sitting down to write.  

Only 73 days to go....

*in full disclosure N does all the laundry in our house because my definition of clean is stain free and without a smell whether it's been worn twice or 25 times

Christmas Recap

As usual, Christmas this year was wild and crazy.  Due to work schedules my whole family descended upon the house all at once on Christmas Eve.  24 whirlwind hours later they were all gone.  There is nothing else I can say about this except that I loved every second but I am glad it's done.  Sweet baby girl didn't know that her favorite Uncle was coming so he hid in a box Christmas morning.

Watching her trying to figure out how the unicorn was dancing around in the box was so incredibly funny.  Once she got down to a tear in the box, she pressed her little eyeball to it and declared, "I see a human hand!"  You know because we might not be sure if she didn't specify that it was a "human" hand.

 Clearly she was more than thrilled to see that the human hand belonged to her Uncle Daniel!

 She was also ridiculously excited that Santa brought her high heeled boots as requested.  I'm thankful that she still thinks that half-an-inch wedge qualifies as a high heel because that's all Santa was okay with sending to my five year old child.

 This picture is beyond terrible quality but I had to share it because of the look on Alaina's face.  I could not deny that child is mine if I wanted to.  That is the exact face that I make when I am confused by something.  Or annoyed by something.  Or my patience is waning.  Pretty much about 20% of the time that is what my face looks like.

But this is my favorite shot of the morning.  I look like sleepy death but I am loving my baby and there can never be too many pictures of that.  She looks totally content and secure snuggled up with her mama, as well she should. 

I hope that you all had a most wonderful Christmas with your family and loved ones.  May the coming year bring you abundant blessings.

She has my DNA

Sometimes our children are the best of us.  There are days that I am blown away by the kindhearted, generous, unconditionally loving little human that came out of me.  I look at her and I am humbled by the sweet spirit she embodies. 

Then there are the days that the darling little face looking back is anything but angelic.  It is full of attitude and disdain and undeniably me. 

Heaven have mercy on me...we haven't even hit the teenage years yet.  

I Didn't Know

I didn't know it was going to be this hard.

There are so many things about being a mama that are harder than I thought they were going to be, but this takes the cake.

When I got divorced I knew that we would both move on to new relationships.  I was truly happy when he got remarried to a lovely woman who makes him happy.  I expected it to be hard, but it never was.  It felt like setting each other free.  It was a little odd to see my daughter being taken care of by another woman, but I found peace to let it go eventually.

Or so I thought.

Today was my baby girl's first day of kindergarten.  We all went this morning to take pictures and drop her off.  I was totally fine with sharing that moment.  We all hugged Alaina and sent her into the classroom peacefully.  But it's not my weekend with Alaina so her stepmomma was the one to pick her up from school today.  In my heart of hearts, I am so happy that Alaina has so many people to love and protect her.  But not being the one to pick her up from her first day of school was brutal. 

From the time I found out I was having a girl, I dreamed of this day.  I pictured every detail from curling her hair and walking her in to scooping her up in the afternoon to hear about how her day was.  I imagined us, hand in hand, going to get ice cream as she told me all about her new teacher and all the friends she made.  This day has been years in the making.  And yet, here I sit, without my girl, tears streaming.  I am truly grateful that Amy had her call to tell me about her day; I know that she didn't have to do that and I loved hearing her excited little voice.

It should have been me.  I carried her.  I breathed for her and gave up coffee for her.  I panted through hours of contractions as she tried to make her way into the world.  I bear the stretch marks and the c-section scar where they pulled her out of my belly.  I pumped gallons of milk when she was in the NICU and cried the first time I nursed her at my breast.  I sat up with her in the middle of the night and rocked her back to sleep when she was fussy.  It was supposed to be me picking her up from her first day of school.  I know that sounds so selfish, I do, but it was supposed to be me.

Someone please tell me it gets easier with time.  My heart can't bear much more.  I didn't know it would be. This. Hard.

I didn't know.

Counting Down

We are in full-on vacation planning mode around our house.  I have finally realized that I need to stop purchasing things on Etsy (read: I'm out of time to have them shipped before we leave) and my bank account thanks me for it.  Just today I got the last thing I need and thanks to my sweet friend CC I have both an awesome bag to take into the park with me and a collapsing duffle to throw in the car for things that we buy and need to bring home.  It's as if she knows me or something.

There are approximately 25 "To-Do before we leave" lists floating around the house that all of the same thing on them.  I keep misplacing one and then making a new one.  I feel like I should have it committed to memory at this point, but no such luck.

I haven't finished one of the projects that I need to before we leave, but I have found time to look up new Disney projects on Pinterest.  Because clearly, I'm a girl who knows her priorities.

I mean, it was far more important last night to make these than it was to do laundry:

Doesn't everyone make chocolate covered strawberries that are Disney themed to prepare for their trip?

No, just me?

Well you're missing out.  Alaina and I had so much fun making them and they sure were delicious to eat last night while I was packing sitting on the couch watching television.

Tonight I am hoping to cross at least a few more things off the list...or bake some chocolate chip cookies for the car trip.

Five Years

My baby girl is five.  Five.  I swear it was just yesterday that I was going into labor and looked like this...

You don't have to tell me how radiant I am.  It's not pregnancy glow, it's nine months worth of built up sweat.  All things considered, it's not as bad as it could be for a woman who is less than 24 hours away from giving birth.

But alas it wasn't yesterday because this grinning face stares back at me every morning from the backseat.

And in school pictures cheesing for the camera as usual.

She really was the happiest baby ever and has turned into the happiest little girl, always smiling and laughing at the tiniest things.  Right now she is EXTRA happy because we told her that we are taking her to Disney World!  If I aimed a little higher I would have those pictures uploaded, but let's be real here.  Taking a 3 hour nap on Sunday when all our company left was far more important than staring at a laptop.  I'll get around to it before we leave.  Mostly because my friend CC took most of the pictures and at some point she is going to want her camera back.  

So for today I will just say Happy Birthday to my sweet baby girl.  I am so, so lucky to be your mama.  

Weirdest Birthday Request Ever

One of my favorite parts of the day is driving to and from school with Alaina.  She is generally a chatty cathy anyway, but something about being in the car really revs her up!  Her favorite topic as of late is anything related to 'Frozen' (while singing at the top of her lungs) and her upcoming birthday.  Yesterday I asked her what presents she would like expecting something about a new doll or sparkly earrings.

I was not prepared for her response.

After asking for a Nerf Gun (already done), things got weird.  Next on her list was a crystal ball to find things that she lost but, "it has to have magic in it or it won't work, okay?"  Aight.  I'm not sure what exactly she has lost that she's looking for but I'd love to have one of those too.  Anyone know where I can find one?  Last time I checked Target and TJ Maxx don't carry crystal balls.  

Then it got weirder.

The next item on her list was bottles.  When pressed for why she would need a baby bottle since she is a big girl, she stated that they were for her baby brother or sister.

Say WHAT???

"But sweetie, I am not having a baby so we don't need any bottles."

"But you're going to and when you do we are going to need bottles so let's go ahead and get some."  I sputtered some sort of response and quickly changed the subject.  I am not sure exactly what my sweet daughter is seeing in that crystal ball of hers but last time I checked there was nothing growing in my uterus.

But I might have to swing by the store on the way home...just in case.  After all, the Magic Eight Ball hasn't let me down yet.  

Being a Mommy

Motherhood is so complex.  It is the most wonderful, terrifying, rewarding & exhausting thing on the planet.  It is full of rock star moments and times where one more "why" will drive you to the brink of insanity; the line between those two things is wafer thin and can change in an instant.  It is adjusting to a child who has been like clockwork for nearly four years and has recently decided that 6 a.m. is a better hour to rise than 7 a.m. was.

And still the beautiful creature sitting in my lap this morning astounds me.  Overwhelming love flows through me and fills my heart with joy.  I know that this is one of those kairos moments where standard time stands still.  The clock telling me there are showers to be had, breakfast to be made and work to get to, slows to a stop.  I study every inch of her, trying to memorize exactly how she looks in this moment.

Tiny little perfect fingers intertwine with mine and I am struck by how olive her skin is up against my oh-so-pale color.  Big brown eyes stare back at me - sleep still clinging to the corners of her lashes.  Long brown hair falls on her face and she impatiently brushes it out of her way.  Ruby earrings peek out from the most perfect ears God ever made.  She yawns and snuggles into my chest proclaiming, "I like you mama."

My heart melts as I whisper back that I like her too.  In fact, she is the coolest kid in the world.  I want nothing more than to call a time-out and freeze in this moment for just a little longer.  It is these moments that are what mommies live for.  I held her a little tighter savoring each second.  And then I heard her sweet voice whisper, "Mama?  I just tooted on you" and then giggle hysterically in the way only a small child can do.  Reality snapped back into focus and time started slowly moving again. 

A perfect picture of motherhood indeed.

A Lifetime of Bows

My daughter was very very sick when she was born.  She had to be transferred to Children's Healthcare and spent a total of six weeks in the NICU before we were able to bring her home.  This was from the post the night that I came home from the hospital without her.  She was still on a paralytic so we could not touch her, nor had she opened her eyes or wiggled or moved at all.  She was on 95% oxygen supplement and they were hours away from putting her on ECMO, which is essentially life support for infants.

"My soul trusts in You; and in the shadow of Your wings I will make my refuge, until these calamities have passed by."  Psalm 57:1

He is good ALL the time and we are resting in His love and peace tonight.

Sweet Jesus, I ask that you put your healing touch on our baby girl.  You are the Ultimate Physician and there is no doctor on this earth who can heal her the way that you can.  Touch her with your hands and let her feel nothing but love pouring over her.  We are placing her life in your hands, Lord.

As I was writing the above post, this song came on by David Crowder:

Lord I'm tired, so tired from walking

And Lord I'm so alone

And Lord the dark is creeping in

Creeping up to swallow me

I think I'll stop, rest here awhile

And this is all that I can say right now

And this is all that I can give

And this is all that I can say right now

And this is all that I can give, it's my everything

The song goes on for a couple more verses, but you get the gist.  I published the post and walked into her room, locking the door behind me.  I laid down in the middle of her floor and sobbed into the blanket that I had made for her because I didn't think she was ever going to get to use it.  I literally cried so hard that I broke the blood vessels under my eyes.  (Bear in mind also, that I had abdominal surgery two days prior and still had stitches in my belly).  I finally got up after a couple of hours because it was time to pump milk again.  The next day I went to the NICU and sat there, looking at her tiny little body, put a pink bow in her hair and prayed that it would not be the only bow I ever got to put in her hair.  Please, please, please Lord, give me a lifetime of bows with her.  Those words.  Those exact words.

This morning we were standing in the bathroom brushing our hair together and she asked me to braid hers.  In typical rushed mommy fashion, I was about to say no, that we were running late, and this song came on  my ipod.  I stared into my daughters perfectly healthy, beautiful face and heard This is what you prayed for...stop and savor it.  And I did.  I braided her hair and kissed her sweet freckled cheeks and we went to school five minutes later, incredibly aware of just how different life could be right now.

Thank You, Lord, for showing me a glimpse of Your glory this morning.  Thank you for reminding me to savor these moments with my daughter that are passing with alarming speed.  More than anything though, thank You, thank You for giving me a lifetime of bows...