What to do without Scandal?

It has been 57 days since the last new episode of Scandal and I am going through withdrawal.  Thank God I stumbled across the Scandal aftershow on AfterBuzz TV.  Back episodes of these have been keeping me from losing what little sanity I have.  Not to be disrespectful to the boys on the show but Kennelia and Sofia Stanley are amazing.  These girls get on and kill it.  Between Sofia talking out of both sides of her mouth (a phrase that I love) and Kennelia picking a cold piece of the week (it's Scandal - they're all deliciously awful) they have captivated my attention completely.  I am almost caught up to real time and can't wait to listen to their podcast right after the weekly shows.

But...it's not Scandal.  It's not Grey's.  It's not Viola Davis.  I have all this free time on Thursday nights now that I wandered aimlessly through the house the first couple of weeks, feeling like something is missing.  Then I remembered back in the day when I used to read in my free time.  I haven't picked up anything new lately because when I do, I tend to get get consumed and shut out the rest of the world.  And by consumed, I mean sucked in, stuck on the couch, barely stopping to eat, and biting the head off anyone that suggests I should do something crazy like sleep.  I pulled out my list of books that I have been wanting to read and got busy ordering.  I should start and finish one at a time, but I never do anything normally so I'm currently in the middle of all of them.

1. Facing the Music by Jennifer Knapp - anyone who's known me for 10 seconds knows that she is my favorite artist.  Her albums have been feeding my soul for nearly 2 decades and now she has a BOOK.  This will be one that I have two copies of - one to keep and one to loan out - because I'm going to recommend it to everyone who will stand still long enough to listen to me rave.

2. On The Road - The Original Scroll by Jack Kerouac - Who doesn't love Kerouac?  And this is his original scroll.  No paragraphs, no chapters, just pages and pages of writing all in a row.  As someone who journals in a stream-of-consciousness style this appeals to me in a huge way.  This book is all about taking time to enjoy the journey instead of focusing on the destination.  It makes me want to get in the car and go off in search of adventures.

3. The Energy Bus by Jon Gordon - You cannot read this book and be in a bad mood.  Even if you are annoyed by the cheerfulness of the characters in the beginning (I was), you start to realize what a grump you're being by Chapter 4.  It is exactly what you need to focus on the positive things around you instead of wallowing in the negative.  What?  I'm the only one who does that?  Fine.  Read it anyway - it's still good.

I'm starting my summer list of must reads now in preparation.  Is there anything you've read that I should add to the list?

Shaking It Up a Little

As a writer and semi-blogger I tend to spend my free hours scouring the internet for new things to read.  Oh, I have my standards for sure, and I will never give those up.  I read funny blogs, spiritual blogs, mommy blogs, and a ton of in between.  But lately I have been in search of something...different...I don't know exactly how to explain this mission exactly, but I know what I mean.  What's that you say?  You're not mind readers?  Man!  This would be so much easier if you were!  Could you get on that please?  Thank you.

In the meantime...I'll try to fumble my way through.  I've already discussed that my word for this year is awareness.  True to form, I have been working through things, delving deep into my psyche (a damn scary place) and uncovering bits and pieces that were more comfortable staying buried thankyouverymuch.  I have been leaning into Jesus in a way that I have not in a very long time.  I have been writing like a fiend, publishing a fraction of it here, and trying to finish a novel that has decided to take a completely different turn when I was oh, about 75% complete.  And somehow in the midst of all of that, I have been seeking something new to shake up my soul a little.  As if that wasn't enough, right?  But I am only going to push myself so far before I convince myself that I am good and it's time to be comfortable now.  So off I went in search of some new writers to keep pushing me forward, if that makes sense at all.

Enter Sarah Bessey.  Holy mother, her blog is rocking my world.  Since discovering it, I have been greedily reading every single free moment that I possibly have.  There are still so many archives that I have not quite managed to squeeze in and I can't wait to get my hands on them.  She has amazing insight and a style of writing that is easy to read, while touching you at the core.  Please, I urge you to go check her out.  I promise you will not be disappointed!

Becoming Real

“What is REAL?" asked the Velveteen Rabbit one day... "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When [someone] loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept.

"Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand... once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.”

― Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit or How Toys Become Real

Over the course of the last few years, I have been on quite a journey.  In the process, I have come to know myself, the real me, better than I could have ever imagined.  As I've traveled through this space, I have hesitated to tell my story because telling the story made it real.  As long as I didn't talk about it, even to myself, it wasn't real.  It was fear of the unknown, fear of other peoples judgement, fear of their ignorance that kept whispering, "No one wants to see this part of you.  They won't understand.  They will think you are ugly and it will never be the same again once you say it out loud."  However, there came a point where I couldn't breathe any longer because this secret was suffocating me.  I began to tell my story.  To own my truth.  To be transparent and vulnerable to those that I hold dearest to me. 

It was during this time that I picked up a copy of 'The Velveteen Rabbit' for my daughter.  It sat on her shelf for the longest time before we read it.  The night came that it was the choice book, and we began to read.  When I came to the section that I have quoted above, my heart stopped and the light bulb in my head switched on.  How could I have ever thought that being real was a bad thing?  When I started to truly love and accept myself, I became real and there is nothing about it that is ugly.  The bumps and bruises, the battle scars, they don't matter.  They mean I have fought for something and that is beautiful.  Tears streamed down my face as that realization dawned on me.  Sitting there in a tiny bed with a toddler on my lap, I had one of the most amazing revelations of my life.  I offered up a prayer of gratitude as I wept at all of the beautiful real life around me.  Sweet, chubby fingers reached up to dry my face as I tried to explain that sometimes mommies cry when they are happy too.  

There will still be people that will not understand, who will think that this real is ugly.  But there are many more who love me so hard, that they have given me the courage to be real.  Those who don't see anything but the beauty in becoming real.  

To those who saw the beauty before I did, I am, and always will be, eternally grateful.