A year of changes

As we bring 2015 to a close and I reflect back on the last twelve months, I can't help but wonder how exactly I've managed to remain sane. Well sane-ish...I gave up on actual sanity years ago. It certainly has been a year of unexpected changes, some welcome, some not. I've joked with friends that rather than 'Gratitude', my word(s) for this year should have been 'expletives'. It doesn't really matter which one because they've all been rolling off my tongue in rapid fire succession in the midst of the years' events. I have tried to remain as positive as possible throughout everything that has happened. I have failed completely, laughed it off, and poured another drink. Now you all know that I'm a gin girl through and through.

BUT...

Apparently when the going gets tough the tough develop a taste for bourbon. Not that lately I've had much time for sitting and sipping on cocktails. Lately, I've been mainlining all of the caffeine I can handle. Coffee, soda, red bull, you name it, I'm drinking it. I have never been so tired or so full of joy in my life. If you're thinking it sounds like there's a new baby in our house, well, you'd be right.

I'd like you to meet Kinsley Blair Anderson, who we affectionately call KB. She was born the day before Thanksgiving and is the cutest little peanut ever. The story of how she came to live with us is long and complicated and really doesn't matter nearly as much as the fact that we love having her! As you can imagine, Alaina is beside herself with glee at the opportunity to play with a live baby doll.

Aren't they sweet in their pretty Christmas Dresses? Of course, what you're not seeing is me in the picture because 20 minutes of wrestling a newborn into tights left me a hot, sweaty mess. Which was absolutely worth it to see them dressed up together but not something I needed photographic evidence of. Let's just go ahead and assume that the only pictures coming up will be of the tiny humans since we all know that no one has time for mascara around here these days. But that's okay. They're cuter than the rest of us anyway.

Even when they're making crazy eyes at me for taking yet another picture because the one million that I've already taken just aren't enough.

Happy New Year!

Writing and meditation don't mix

November is always a crazy month for me. Each year I participate in National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) with the goal of completing a 50,000 word novel in 30 days. Some years I make it, some years I don't but I always participate. The only difference this year is that I jumped in wholly unprepared. No outlines, no character sketches, no research, no prep work. Just jumped. So far it's...going. I'm struggling a little bit because I have little clips of scenes and absolutely no plot tying them together in the least. But that's okay. I'm sure that at some point everything will fall into place and a brilliant novel will emerge. HA! It's far more likely that complete crap emerges and it falls into the garbage can never to see the light of day again. At this point, I've made peace with either outcome.

On the 2nd I started a 21-day meditation challenge by Oprah & Deepak Chopra. Starting a meditation challenge at the same time I am trying to furiously write a novel may not have been the best idea. But we all know that I am not known for my fantastic decision making skills. It's only been a couple of days so I don't have much to report other than I suck at meditating and being still. I'm still waiting for the point when everything quiets and my life is suddenly zen. The cynic in me is yelling that I will never reach this point. Normally I yell back, but right now I am too busy meditating. Perhaps this is working after all...

None the less, I am fully engrossed with these two challenges over the next few weeks and will be sure to share my findings with you, boring though they may be. Hey, I never promised you quality material here. Sarcasm and inappropriate humor are much more my style. It's not too late to join me for either challenge if you're interested...the more the merrier!

Have a great week.

Acceptance

Nothing is so painful to the human mind as a great and sudden change. ~Mary Shelly

Life is funny. Feelings and emotions get wrapped up with rational thoughts and cloud my vision. The things that I could see so clearly, the things that I was so sure of suddenly became hazy. No matter how hard I try to bring it back into focus, nothing is the way that I thought it would be. Today I came to the realization that the thick fog surrounding me isn't going anywhere; it is my new normal. I have been waiting so long to get past the pain but there is no getting past it. The freshness will continue to subside and make way for the dull ache that will never completely leave me. It will be like phantom limb pain; the limb may be gone but the pain still exists and it is real.

When I wrote about the stages of grief, I imagined that acceptance would be like putting the final piece of the puzzle in place. Like it was actually something that could be completed and considered "done" and after that I would be all whole and healed. Perhaps that is not actually the case. Perhaps acceptance doesn't mean that there is no pain but that I am acknowledging that I bear the wounds of a battle hard fought. It means that I am owning my scars, wearing them proudly because they mean I have tried. I didn't just surrender to the grief and pain threatening to completely consume me. I am fighting to dig myself out of the trenches, bit by bit, until I can rise above the pain of the past. I might be an ugly, beaten, bloody, mess but I am still standing. And that is something I can finally accept.

Faithful to Me

This morning I got a wild hair and decided to check my junk email folder (something I never do) and thank God I did. Right there on the very top was an e-mail from Concert Window telling me that Jennifer Knapp had a show tonight. The fact that I had absolutely no idea prior to that just goes to show exactly how deeply entrenched in the dark place I have been this summer. I was ecstatic to see that not only was she going to be playing, she was going to be playing through her Kansas CD. I haven't heard her play most of these so I was really looking forward to watching. By the time 9:00 rolled around I was more than ready to get started.

Nothing could have prepared me for what happened next.

I laughed until I was gasping for air as I listened to her tell about playing Christian music in a lesbian bar (not only can she sing, but the woman has a wicked sense of humor). This is the beauty of her concerts; the songs are phenomenal and the stories between the songs are pure gold. I got teary eyed as she played Martyrs & Thieves and it moved me in a way that it never has before. These songs...these songs I know better than I know myself. But every note, every line breathed fresh wisdom into my very weary soul.

By the time she closed out the show with 'Faithful to Me', I was completely undone. I cannot explain what happened in my house tonight. There are no words big enough to describe enormity what transpired. All I know is that it resonated so deep in my marrow that I will never, ever forget it.


Faithful to Me

All the chisels I've dulled carving idols of stone
That have crumbled like sand 'neath the waves.
I'v recklessly built all my dreams in the sand,
Just to watch them all wash away.

Through another day, another trial, another chance to reconcile
To one who sees past all I see.
And reaching out my weary hand I pray that you'd understand
You're the only one who's faithful to me.

All the pennies I've waste in my wishing well
I have thrown like stones to the sea.
I have cast my lots, dropped my guard, searched aimlessly,
For a faith to be faithful to me.

Through another day, another trial, another chance to reconcile
To one who sees past all I see.
And reaching out my weary hand I pray that you'd understand
You're the only one who's faithful to me.
You're the only one who's faithful to me.

Few burdens are heavy when we lift together

We all have the ones we turn to when the skies get rough and we need a safe haven in the storm. Call them your friends, your tribe, your family...I even have a friend who calls them her sluts (which I love and is in no way indicative of their moral compass). I call them my people.


One of my favorite bloggers, Sarah Bessey, calls them her Somewheres. They are the people she turns to for the things that can't be kept in and can't, or don't need to be shared with everyone. I encourage you to go read her post in it's entirety here. It is raw and poignant and beautifully transparent. Nothing I can say about it will do it any sort of justice so please go read it...if you want to read the rest of her posts while you're at it, I promise that you won't be disappointed.


Her words were exactly what I needed to hear today and it got me thinking about my own Somewheres. My girls. My people. The ones I hold dear to my heart and am very certain that I would not make it without. My words are failing to convey the deep and holy place they hold in my heart. Once again, it was music that said it more perfectly than I ever could. For the last month or so there has been a couple of lines in an old Point of Grace song that have been playing over and over again in my head.

If you weep, I will weep with you. If you sing for joy the rest of us, will lift our voices too.

A few days ago I found myself with a house full of people and a desperate need to escape for a minute to clear my head. Every few moments another one of my girls appeared to check on me until there were 4 of us sitting on the floor of my not-so-huge bathroom. As we talked and cried and laughed, I looked around at their sweet faces and felt gratitude overflow my heart. They all left the party to sit on my (less than clean) bathroom floor just so I wouldn't be sitting there alone. How could I ask for anything more than that?

But no matter what you feel inside there's no need to pretend...

Whatever one of us is going through, the rest rally around to celebrate or encourage or just sit in the silence. There is no room for judgment or guilt or shame when we are together. We wouldn't dare mar the beauty of the haven we've built with something ugly. It is a safe place for each of us to come and share our burdens, concerns, joy & many, many cocktails. No matter what, day or night, full make-up, or with mud masks on, my people will meet me wherever I am.

Even when that place is a dirty bathroom floor.

I'm still looking up

When I look into your eyes

It's like watching the night sky

Or a beautiful sunrise

Well there's so much they hold

And just like them old stars

I see that you've come so far

To be right where you are

How old is your soul?

I won't give up on us

Even if the skies get rough

I'm giving you all my love

I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space

To do some navigating

I'll be here patiently waiting

To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn

Some even fall to the earth

We've got a lot to learn

God knows we're worth it

No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily

I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make

Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts

We got yeah, we got a lot at stake

And in the end,

You're still my friend at least we didn't tend

For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn

We had to learn, how to bend without the world caving in

I had to learn what I got, and what I'm not

And who I am

I won't give up on us

Even if the skies get rough

I'm giving you all my love

I'm still looking up

I won't give up on us

God knows I'm tough, he knows 

We got a lot to learn

God knows we're worth it

I won't give up on us

Even if the skies get rough

I'm giving you all my love

I'm still looking up...

General nonsense and avoidance issues

I have been a terrible blogger lately, but honestly I've been writing lots...just not posting it. I haven't really been in the mood to talk, I'm still not actually so instead I'm going to post about everything else going on in my life except all the stuff that I really should be talking about. Because I can't. It's just too painful and too raw and talking about it just makes it feel real. And I cannot bear the thought of it being real. So here we go.

1. I've recently gotten an AppleTV and it's like Christmas morning every evening now. Who knew watching Netflix on an actual television and not a 6" tablet was that much better? And should I get a wild hair and want to exercise all I have to do is click on over to YouTube for a video. No laptops hooked up with cables and having to get up every time I want to look for something else on the keyboard. It's glorious. Which leads me into my next point

2. Grace & Frankie is my new favorite show. Fortunately/Unfortunately it's a Netflix original series which means that all of the episodes are released at once for the entire season. This is a double edged sword people. I love, love, love that I get to watch all of the episodes back to back without waiting a week in between. However I finished the entire season in approximately 2 days and now have to wait until 2016 for season 2 to come out. Is it just me or does that seem like it's REALLY far away?

3. I am currently working on 3 different crocheting projects, which is par for the course for me. I tend to get all caught up in a multitude of projects and then get so tired of looking at yarn I can't wait to be finished with them. Fast forward 3 months of not working on anything and repeat.

4. Tomorrow is the first Saturday in forever that we haven't had a soccer game to go to and I couldn't be more excited. Alaina loves going to the kids craft club at Michaels on Saturday mornings and she is beside herself that she gets to go again. I am also thrilled because for the bargain price of $2, Alaina gets to craft/paint/glue/glitter and generally make a mess that someone else is going to clean up for me. Can I get an AMEN?

5. Bathing suit shopping is miserable and really disheartening. I don't understand why it has to be SO difficult. I find it especially sad that I am struggling to find a cute, non-licensed character, 1 piece swimsuit for my child. My daughter who specifically asked for a 1 piece bathing suit because she likes to just step into it and go. If I don't want a bikini or a giant picture of Elsa my options are slim. When did just get an average bathing suit become so hard to find? The adult section is not much better. My choices are tiny bikinis, skirted suits in palm tree prints, or something that is actually cute but costs $200. NO bathing suit makes me feel attractive enough to spend that kind of money.

And I think that's about it for me. I do believe I have supplied you with enough high quality information to last for the weekend, don't you?

Hope you all have a great one.

S