Burdens should not have to be carried alone

Sweet girl.

You have been on my mind every second of today.  I can't seem to focus on anything else; every ounce of my being is broken for you.

I don't know what to say.  I don't know what to tell you.  The hurt for everything you are walking through is too great for words.  Tears are streaming down my face because I can't fix it.  Oh, but I would.  If I could just kiss the boo boo, put a band-aid on it and rock you in my lap until you felt better I would do exactly that.

Why are grown-up problems so much harder to solve than kids?  If only we had known then, we might have blown off the skinned knee a little more often.

It's too much.  It's too much to comprehend, too much to try to wrap my brain around.  Over and over and over I run through it all again, trying to think of a way to help you.  I feel so helpless.  It's the worst feeling in the world, helplessness.  Watching someone you love suffering, unable to do a damn thing about it.  Forget fire-filled inferno's, that is true hell.

I know that God is in control, He just feels so very far away right now.

Thank you, for sharing your heart with me.  For finding my home to be a shelter in the storm.  For trusting that your most intimate fears are safe in my hands.  Rest assured that they are, my darling.  I am clutching them to my chest and weeping with you, pouring out unspoken prayers in rivers. Walk a little lighter, knowing that this weight is not on your shoulders alone.

I love you.

I am here.

It will get better.

I really, really hope it's soon.

Sunshine and a clean house make everything better

Rain, rain, rain, hail, tornado, rain....

It has been DAYS since the sun has shown itself.  We have watched countless hours of tv, read every book in the house, played dress up, played lets-stay-in-our-pjs-all-day (that was mostly just me), crafted, cleaned, and generally driven each other crazy. When you trap two very creative type people with one OCD type person under the same roof for an extended period, it creates a vicious cycle of making messes and cleaning.

It goes without saying that I am not the obsessively clean and tidy person in my house.  I'm very certain that I have a vision condition that causes mess to vanish from my sight. N, on the other hand, has the exact opposite condition in which every speck is seen, whether it exists or not.  This combination is about as exciting as you are imaging right now.  Rather than trying to reach a compromise, we decided to get a housekeeper.

It was the best decision EVER.

Last night I came home from a particularly long and heinous day to a sparkling, fresh smelling house and it was glorious. There was nothing that needed to be done except...nothing.  I sat on the couch and enjoyed all of the nothingness all evening, completely guilt-free.  Gone was the nagging feeling that there were things that needed to be done. This morning for the first time in a week, the sun was shining bright and early with not a cloud to be seen.  I could actually hear the birds chirping as I was getting ready.  All I needed were woodland creatures gathered around as I burst into song and it would have been a scene from every Disney movie ever created.

The sunshine my be short lived (like the state of perfection in my house) but I'll take it and enjoy for as long as it lasts.

One space...or two?

I would like to give a shout out to my sweet friend Christen (Mississippi for those familiar) for messing with my head before double digits this morning.  Everyone who knows me at all knows that unless it is vital that we speak immediately, it can wait until after 10:00.  Try as I might, I can't get the tiny human to understand that 6:30 is not an acceptable time to wake mommy up.

This morning, she asks me if I put one space or two at the end of my sentences.  Two.  NOPE, she says.  Just like that.  And you know what, she's not wrong.  To be fair, I am not either because it seems that this is just like the color-of-the-dress drama where both sides are vehement and no one can agree.  I am more distressed at the fact that I have missed this debate completely somehow.  I am not up on a lot, but I usually am ahead of the game when it comes to spelling, grammar, and all things nerdy.

Immediately, I turned to my most trusted source, Google, to see what the rest of the world thinks about the great space debate.  Oxford and Chicago say one is better.  MLA says that as long as it's consistent, it is arbitrary whether you use one or two.  All day, I have been trying to type with only one space but I can't seem to make my fingers match.  Too many years of typing has my thumb in the habit of hitting the space bar twice at the conclusion of my sentences.

Am I the only one that learned to type this way?  I'd love to hear what your thoughts are about it...really, I do want to know.  Which I believe just goes to show how exciting my life really is these days.

Nobody's Cuter Than You!

If you do not have your copy of Melanie's new book, I command you to go out and get yourself one immediately.  Yes, I called her Melanie like we're best friends because after 20 some odd hours listening to BigBoo podcast archive I feel as if I already know her.  Hopefully I will get the chance to meet her at dotMom this fall and make a complete fool of myself as I try to refrain from babbling and trying to koala hug her at the same time.

I digress.

Her book is amazing.  To say that it is about friendship feels like an understatement.  But anyone who has ever been deeply blessed by a good friend knows that there aren't enough words to describe how wonderful they are.  Melanie captures this in a way that leaves me breathless from laughing even as tears are pouring down my face.  It is so beautiful and you will be better for having read it.  I am THRILLED to say that you can find this in your local Wal-Mart (I got the last copy in mine!) or you can order it from amazon or barnes & noble.  If you must, you can also download it to your kindle or whatever you're reading on that is not a book.  I don't understand this because you cannot smell the pages through a screen, but I know I'm one of the few rare true book nerds left.  The point is, however you want to obtain your copy, do so with a quickness.

Oh and Sophie is the other one on the podcast and her newest book is next on my list along with Tina Fey's Bossy Pants.  Head over to her blog and check her out as well.  I promise that you will not be disappointed!

He'll meet you wherever you are

Last week was not an excellent one.  There was one day in particular that just got started off on the wrong foot. I was tired, grumpy and generally not feeling like I was exhibiting my best self.  I'm sure none of you are shocked by this, but I think it's important to be honest about the state I was in.  This carried on through the better part of the day and I was SO looking forward to going home as soon as I helped the last person in front of me.  My plan was to get Alaina from school and let her watch as many cartoons as she wanted while we snuggled on the couch.

I imagine that God likes to laugh a lot at the plans I make.

As I was helping her, we were talking a bit and I could tell that a heavy burden was being carried.  I listened to her telling her story and my heart broke at the same time my brain was wondering how she was managing to get up every morning.  The counter between us seemed like a ridiculously large barrier so I walked around it to stand next to her.  As she continued talking, I felt very strongly that she wasn't the only one speaking to my heart.  God's voice was right there, telling me to pray with her.

I am firmly rooted in my faith and have no trouble whatsoever expressing my beliefs.  I also have a firm grasp on the fact that not everyone believes what I believe.  The office is not a place where I feel the need to speak to people about the Romans Road or ask if their name is written in the Lambs Book of Life.  Asking a complete stranger if I could pray over her while standing in the front office was not on my list of things to do.  Ever.  But that is the thing about being called by God; He doesn't so much care if it was on your to-do list.  He knows you better than you know yourself and He is going to use you exactly where you are.

I had to dig the words deep from my gut and force them out.  But I asked her if I could pray with her and she said yes.  I have no idea what I said, but it didn't matter.  If God could use me as a vessel, He could make the words tumbling out be what she needed to hear.  I am very sure that there were some very surprised co-workers who were wondering why the lesbian girl that is sometimes a little rough around the edges was crying and praying in the front office.  One of them asked who she was...I responded honestly that I've never met her before in my life.

I am so, so imperfect.  I make mistakes and less than loving decisions often.  But I cannot, CANNOT ignore very clear convictions about something I am being called to do.  Even when they don't make sense to anyone else.  Even when they don't make sense to me.  I don't know why I was called to pray with this woman on this day, but I walked away with a renewed sense of wonder at the awesome God we serve.  We live in a world that loves to judge and tell people that aren't "good Christians" that God hates them.

THAT IS NOT TRUE.

Just like an earthly parent, God wants nothing more than to lavish you with love and joy.  He may not always think you're making the best choices, but He NEVER stops loving you.  He NEVER stops listening if you want to talk.  There is ALWAYS room in his lap to curl up and let yourself be comforted.  So wherever you are, please hear that today.  Tune out all of the noise around you from other imperfect people and listen to the voice of the One who matters.

Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord - Romans 8:38-39