This was not the plan

How many times have we all said that?

This was not the plan.

This wasn't even the plan for this post. I want to have some great insight to offer about how to survive difficult seasons of your life because Lord, it has been a long one. To sit here on my bed, computer in my lap, and say something that will help uplift someone. But the truth is that I am only in my room because I am hiding out. My parents are downstairs and, quite frankly, making me absolutely insane. I cannot watch one more episode of "Pimp My Ride" or the other nonsensical shows that have been playing on a loop without losing my mind. I thought that putting the spare tv in the guest bedroom would encourage them to watch tv in that room. Oh how wrong I was. So rather than biting my already bruised and bleeding tongue, I am hiding out.

Disclaimer: I am very certain that my father doesn't even know I have a blog and my mother might know that such a thing exists, but she certainly has never read it. For those of you who may not have met them and worry that I am offending.

So here I sit, sipping my drink, and contemplating a way to share all of what is going on here in this circus of my life that will include words other than expletives. The long and short of it is, that the only thing to say is that the Ringling Brothers ain't got nothing on this. So I have traded in writing for diapers and bottles and another lap around the house with a fussy baby. And the most exciting thing in my life right now is that I have figured out how to make my Fitbit count my steps when I'm carrying the baby in my arms. For tonight that will have to be enough.

One day, one day, there will be a new plan. A plan with vacations and sand and road-trip sing-a-longs and enough laughter to fuel us forever. But for tonight this will have to be enough.

Pop-tarts and world peace

Through the years I have found that I tend to go in spurts. There are times where I am really on the ball, writing every day, blogging a couple times a week, checking in with my people often, and keeping everything balanced. During those spurts I feel invincible. All is right with the world and tiny birds hover around me singing as if I'm in a Disney movie. Okay, that might have been a slight exaggeration but it's pretty close.

THIS is not one of those spurts. I haven't sat down to write in well over a month and I'm very certain that I have friends who are cursing my name because I have been terrible about responding lately. (I am so very sorry if you are one of those people. I promise I'll try to get better soon). There are 12,000 sticky notes littering my notebooks and desk, most of which contain things that I have still forgotten even though I wrote them down.

I completely forgot that it was the 100th day of school until the day before; of course I had volunteered to send in fruit loops long before my life got crazy. After returning home from the store (where I got many important things like a new hooded sweatshirt), I realized that I had still forgotten the fruit loops. So we stopped at Kroger on the way in to school where I instantly became the coolest mom ever because when you're 6 years old, pop tarts and a hot cocoa from the in-store Starbucks is the BEST BREAKFAST IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

I feel very strongly that we could take a cue from the children in the world.  Can't we cure the world's problems with a nationwide trip to Starbucks and a sugary pastry? It solves most of my problems. And aren't all problems basically the same, just on different scales?  Perhaps someone should let the president know that we just solved that one for him. I mean, it may not fit into the whole fitness plan that his wife has implemented but I think we could all use a little more processed sugar in our lives. Don't you agree?

Writing and meditation don't mix

November is always a crazy month for me. Each year I participate in National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) with the goal of completing a 50,000 word novel in 30 days. Some years I make it, some years I don't but I always participate. The only difference this year is that I jumped in wholly unprepared. No outlines, no character sketches, no research, no prep work. Just jumped. So far it's...going. I'm struggling a little bit because I have little clips of scenes and absolutely no plot tying them together in the least. But that's okay. I'm sure that at some point everything will fall into place and a brilliant novel will emerge. HA! It's far more likely that complete crap emerges and it falls into the garbage can never to see the light of day again. At this point, I've made peace with either outcome.

On the 2nd I started a 21-day meditation challenge by Oprah & Deepak Chopra. Starting a meditation challenge at the same time I am trying to furiously write a novel may not have been the best idea. But we all know that I am not known for my fantastic decision making skills. It's only been a couple of days so I don't have much to report other than I suck at meditating and being still. I'm still waiting for the point when everything quiets and my life is suddenly zen. The cynic in me is yelling that I will never reach this point. Normally I yell back, but right now I am too busy meditating. Perhaps this is working after all...

None the less, I am fully engrossed with these two challenges over the next few weeks and will be sure to share my findings with you, boring though they may be. Hey, I never promised you quality material here. Sarcasm and inappropriate humor are much more my style. It's not too late to join me for either challenge if you're interested...the more the merrier!

Have a great week.

General nonsense and avoidance issues

I have been a terrible blogger lately, but honestly I've been writing lots...just not posting it. I haven't really been in the mood to talk, I'm still not actually so instead I'm going to post about everything else going on in my life except all the stuff that I really should be talking about. Because I can't. It's just too painful and too raw and talking about it just makes it feel real. And I cannot bear the thought of it being real. So here we go.

1. I've recently gotten an AppleTV and it's like Christmas morning every evening now. Who knew watching Netflix on an actual television and not a 6" tablet was that much better? And should I get a wild hair and want to exercise all I have to do is click on over to YouTube for a video. No laptops hooked up with cables and having to get up every time I want to look for something else on the keyboard. It's glorious. Which leads me into my next point

2. Grace & Frankie is my new favorite show. Fortunately/Unfortunately it's a Netflix original series which means that all of the episodes are released at once for the entire season. This is a double edged sword people. I love, love, love that I get to watch all of the episodes back to back without waiting a week in between. However I finished the entire season in approximately 2 days and now have to wait until 2016 for season 2 to come out. Is it just me or does that seem like it's REALLY far away?

3. I am currently working on 3 different crocheting projects, which is par for the course for me. I tend to get all caught up in a multitude of projects and then get so tired of looking at yarn I can't wait to be finished with them. Fast forward 3 months of not working on anything and repeat.

4. Tomorrow is the first Saturday in forever that we haven't had a soccer game to go to and I couldn't be more excited. Alaina loves going to the kids craft club at Michaels on Saturday mornings and she is beside herself that she gets to go again. I am also thrilled because for the bargain price of $2, Alaina gets to craft/paint/glue/glitter and generally make a mess that someone else is going to clean up for me. Can I get an AMEN?

5. Bathing suit shopping is miserable and really disheartening. I don't understand why it has to be SO difficult. I find it especially sad that I am struggling to find a cute, non-licensed character, 1 piece swimsuit for my child. My daughter who specifically asked for a 1 piece bathing suit because she likes to just step into it and go. If I don't want a bikini or a giant picture of Elsa my options are slim. When did just get an average bathing suit become so hard to find? The adult section is not much better. My choices are tiny bikinis, skirted suits in palm tree prints, or something that is actually cute but costs $200. NO bathing suit makes me feel attractive enough to spend that kind of money.

And I think that's about it for me. I do believe I have supplied you with enough high quality information to last for the weekend, don't you?

Hope you all have a great one.

S

Sunshine and a clean house make everything better

Rain, rain, rain, hail, tornado, rain....

It has been DAYS since the sun has shown itself.  We have watched countless hours of tv, read every book in the house, played dress up, played lets-stay-in-our-pjs-all-day (that was mostly just me), crafted, cleaned, and generally driven each other crazy. When you trap two very creative type people with one OCD type person under the same roof for an extended period, it creates a vicious cycle of making messes and cleaning.

It goes without saying that I am not the obsessively clean and tidy person in my house.  I'm very certain that I have a vision condition that causes mess to vanish from my sight. N, on the other hand, has the exact opposite condition in which every speck is seen, whether it exists or not.  This combination is about as exciting as you are imaging right now.  Rather than trying to reach a compromise, we decided to get a housekeeper.

It was the best decision EVER.

Last night I came home from a particularly long and heinous day to a sparkling, fresh smelling house and it was glorious. There was nothing that needed to be done except...nothing.  I sat on the couch and enjoyed all of the nothingness all evening, completely guilt-free.  Gone was the nagging feeling that there were things that needed to be done. This morning for the first time in a week, the sun was shining bright and early with not a cloud to be seen.  I could actually hear the birds chirping as I was getting ready.  All I needed were woodland creatures gathered around as I burst into song and it would have been a scene from every Disney movie ever created.

The sunshine my be short lived (like the state of perfection in my house) but I'll take it and enjoy for as long as it lasts.

One space...or two?

I would like to give a shout out to my sweet friend Christen (Mississippi for those familiar) for messing with my head before double digits this morning.  Everyone who knows me at all knows that unless it is vital that we speak immediately, it can wait until after 10:00.  Try as I might, I can't get the tiny human to understand that 6:30 is not an acceptable time to wake mommy up.

This morning, she asks me if I put one space or two at the end of my sentences.  Two.  NOPE, she says.  Just like that.  And you know what, she's not wrong.  To be fair, I am not either because it seems that this is just like the color-of-the-dress drama where both sides are vehement and no one can agree.  I am more distressed at the fact that I have missed this debate completely somehow.  I am not up on a lot, but I usually am ahead of the game when it comes to spelling, grammar, and all things nerdy.

Immediately, I turned to my most trusted source, Google, to see what the rest of the world thinks about the great space debate.  Oxford and Chicago say one is better.  MLA says that as long as it's consistent, it is arbitrary whether you use one or two.  All day, I have been trying to type with only one space but I can't seem to make my fingers match.  Too many years of typing has my thumb in the habit of hitting the space bar twice at the conclusion of my sentences.

Am I the only one that learned to type this way?  I'd love to hear what your thoughts are about it...really, I do want to know.  Which I believe just goes to show how exciting my life really is these days.

Procrastination...or lies I tell myself

Ah procrastination.  You are a friend of mine.

You so sweetly remind me that there is no need to rush to the dishes when my toenails so clearly need to be painted.

It just makes no sense to do the laundry until the dresser drawers have been reorganized.  And the closet has been purged to make room for the clothes I'm going to buy  that will be clean and ready to put away.

I can't get up when the clock says 5:08 because I only get up on the quarter hour.  I'll just close my eyes until 5:15.  Whoops, now it's 5:17,  Guess I'll just have to wait until 5:30.

Friends really don't stay in touch enough these days.  You should definitely sit down to send some e-mails before you start dinner.  While the computer is out and fired up you might as well go ahead and order those new wedges for summer.  The sale might end if you wait too long and that's just not fiscally responsible.

Hop on Twitter.  You'll only be on for a second.

Walking to the mailbox totally counts as your exercise for today.  You don't have to break a sweat for it to be effective.

Taking a nap is absolutely necessary.  Don't the doctors keep saying how important sleep is for your health?  Better yet, have a glass of wine before you lay down.  Between that and the walk you're practically a new person.

Reading a new book is exactly the same as sitting down to work on yours.

As is writing a new blog post.  Especially if it's about procrastination.  Because everyone reading needs a reason to procrastinate themselves.

You're welcome fellow procrastinators.

Please let me go back

The top image was taken 3 days ago in Vega Baja, Puerto Rico.  The bottom image was in my neighborhood this morning.  The 72 hours between them have been filled with a very rocky flight, my baby having a stomach bug, a trip to the ER and absolutely no sleep.

3 days.  3 DAYS ago I was listening to the ocean crash and thinking of nothing in particular.  Today, I am afraid that I am at the beginning of the same bug that the tiny had.

I wanna go back to the island.

Roses are red...skin should not be

This weekend was Valentine's Day.  It is my least favorite holiday ever.

Ever.

But my sweet N is a bit of a romantic soul and I wanted to make it a special evening for her.  Since we've been on the go so much lately I thought a quiet dinner at home would be exactly what we needed.  I found a recipe for Ropa Vieja and decided to give it a go.  What's the worst thing that could happen?  If it turned out terrible, we would laugh it off and order a pizza.

Well....

I was wrong.

In the middle of prep work, I had a small-ish mishap with a hot pan and some grease that ended with extremely hot grease covering my upper body.  Did I mention that I was wearing a tank top?  I mean, it's December and we don't live in San Diego so any sane person would be in long sleeves.  But my stupid internal thermostat seems to think that it is always 95 degrees so I run around in the least amount of clothing possible.  For the first minute or two, I didn't even realize quite how bad it was.  Then I looked down to see that my arms and chest were turning bright red and beginning to blister.

Thankfully, my sweet friend Sarah was there and she got on the phone with the doctor, got Silvadene called in, and made sure that I was covered in it immediately.  Then she proceeded to load my dishwasher and dig out the aspirin while I laid on the couch trying to convince myself that my skin was not, in fact, melting off.  N got home from work and took over babying me.   We traded our fancy clothes for old pajamas, Channel perfume for medicinal cream.  Our romantic dinner took place on the couch and involved absolutely no candlelight.

But you know what?  This is what life is.  Real life.  Two people getting through an entire lifetime together and realizing that the most important thing is that we were together.  No movie about romance will ever show the lovebirds falling asleep on the couch at 8:30 on Valentine's Day.  But that is exactly what we did and it was glorious.  There will be another day for wine and candles.

Flame-less, battery operated candles.  Just to be safe.

Here's hoping that your Valentine's Day was far less eventful than ours.

Xoxo

My gut is always right except when it's wrong

I am intuitive.  Sometimes I just know things.  My gut is never wrong.  I don't listen to it occasionally because I don't want it to be right, but it is still accurate.  Of all the things that I can count on to be solid and consistent, my gut is the top of the list.

Until now.

It has been a rough week in our house.  There is a lot of transition going on within our home and within our extended families that has disrupted the peace a bit.  My tiny girl has been sick with Strep Throat which has led to sleepless nights for me and a ridiculous amount of Lysol.  Both of us are feeling under the weather as well and trying desperately to not get sick ourselves.  Sleep deprived and physically exhausted do not lend themselves to a rational state of mind for me.  Still my gut never fails.

For some reason that I can't put my finger on, my gut feels...off.  I can't tell you why or what it is exactly, but there is something there that is not at harmony.  I can't trust it to lead me in the right direction, I know this.  But I don't know why I know this.  I just know that something is off.  I feel like a compass with a broken magnet that no one knows is broken.  It says North.  There's no reason not to believe that the compass would lie.  It looks intact.  But somehow I know that the direction it's pointing is not really North. 

So today I'm standing still, waiting for the shift that brings everything back into place.  

Pregnancy Brain without the pregnancy

Today I feel the way that I did when I was pregnant with Alaina and all of my brain cells were going to her.  Anyone who has ever conceived knows exactly what I am talking about.  The second line appears on the stick and almost instantaneously your IQ drops 30 points.  Back then, I was okay with it because I was growing a human being and that is hard work.

Right now though?  Not pregnant.  Not been pregnant.  Probably not ever gonna be pregnant again.  Yet, I can't seem to formulate complete sentences.  Last night I was watching an old episode of Kids Week Jeopardy and got my ass kicked by an 11 year old.  Which completely defeated the purpose of watching Jeopardy during kid week.  Isn't that when I am supposed to feel smarter because I know all the answers?

HA.

The only reason I am posting today is because I have been wanting to for over two weeks with absolutely nothing intelligent to share with you.  Today, I realized that you already know I am not a rocket scientist if you've read anything else I've posted here.  What a huge weight was lifted when I decided to stop waiting for inspiration to strike before I post.  I foresee a lot of consistent posting here about more random nonsense than usual.  Stick around.  One day quality will once again trump quantity.  Or summer will get here and there will once again be room in my brain for something other than school lunch calendars and making sure a uniform is clean* for tomorrow.  Of course then I'll be too busy sticking my toes in the sand to even think about the computer screen and sitting down to write.  

Only 73 days to go....

*in full disclosure N does all the laundry in our house because my definition of clean is stain free and without a smell whether it's been worn twice or 25 times

What to do without Scandal?

It has been 57 days since the last new episode of Scandal and I am going through withdrawal.  Thank God I stumbled across the Scandal aftershow on AfterBuzz TV.  Back episodes of these have been keeping me from losing what little sanity I have.  Not to be disrespectful to the boys on the show but Kennelia and Sofia Stanley are amazing.  These girls get on and kill it.  Between Sofia talking out of both sides of her mouth (a phrase that I love) and Kennelia picking a cold piece of the week (it's Scandal - they're all deliciously awful) they have captivated my attention completely.  I am almost caught up to real time and can't wait to listen to their podcast right after the weekly shows.

But...it's not Scandal.  It's not Grey's.  It's not Viola Davis.  I have all this free time on Thursday nights now that I wandered aimlessly through the house the first couple of weeks, feeling like something is missing.  Then I remembered back in the day when I used to read in my free time.  I haven't picked up anything new lately because when I do, I tend to get get consumed and shut out the rest of the world.  And by consumed, I mean sucked in, stuck on the couch, barely stopping to eat, and biting the head off anyone that suggests I should do something crazy like sleep.  I pulled out my list of books that I have been wanting to read and got busy ordering.  I should start and finish one at a time, but I never do anything normally so I'm currently in the middle of all of them.

1. Facing the Music by Jennifer Knapp - anyone who's known me for 10 seconds knows that she is my favorite artist.  Her albums have been feeding my soul for nearly 2 decades and now she has a BOOK.  This will be one that I have two copies of - one to keep and one to loan out - because I'm going to recommend it to everyone who will stand still long enough to listen to me rave.

2. On The Road - The Original Scroll by Jack Kerouac - Who doesn't love Kerouac?  And this is his original scroll.  No paragraphs, no chapters, just pages and pages of writing all in a row.  As someone who journals in a stream-of-consciousness style this appeals to me in a huge way.  This book is all about taking time to enjoy the journey instead of focusing on the destination.  It makes me want to get in the car and go off in search of adventures.

3. The Energy Bus by Jon Gordon - You cannot read this book and be in a bad mood.  Even if you are annoyed by the cheerfulness of the characters in the beginning (I was), you start to realize what a grump you're being by Chapter 4.  It is exactly what you need to focus on the positive things around you instead of wallowing in the negative.  What?  I'm the only one who does that?  Fine.  Read it anyway - it's still good.

I'm starting my summer list of must reads now in preparation.  Is there anything you've read that I should add to the list?

A to Z

I stumbled across this survey the other day and while I am not normally a fan, thought it would be fun!

A is for Age: 31

B is for Burger of Choice: Bacon Cheeseburger from Collegiate!

C is for Car you Drive: A red beat up Trailblazer named Jimmy

D is for Dogs Name: No dogs, no cats, no pets period.  I have a three year old that keeps me busy

E is for Essential Item you use Everyday: Coffee Maker or French Press...I know this shocks all of you

F is for Favorite TV Show: Way too many...Greys, Scandal, Suits, Necessary Roughness, Jeopardy...no wonder I'm so pale...

G is for favorite Game: Apples to Apples, the Dice Game, and Scrabble.  ACTUAL Scrabble people!

H is for Hometown: San Diego for the first several years; now and forevermore Atlanta

I is for Instruments you play: Um...I used to play the flute...now I play the radio and I am pretty amazing at it

J is for Juice: Pineapple-Orange

K is for person you want to Kiss: N of course...who else!?  Unless Alaina's sweet face counts because I could kiss that forever.

L is for Last Restaurant you ate at: Flying Biscuit 

M is for Muppet: I DON'T DO MUPPETS.  EVER.  PERIOD.

N is for Number of Piercings: Two holes in each ear, cartilage in one, and I used to have my tongue pierced.  Not so much now.

O is for Overnight Hospital Stays: Just the one when I had Alaina

P is for People you were with today: My sweet child this morning and then N later!

Q is for what you do in your Quiet time: Usually read, write, or work on a blanket

R is for biggest Regret: I have none.  Not that I don't wish I might have used a kinder word or been more compassionate with someone, but it took every single moment of this journey to bring me to the now.  And now, this moment, is perfectly exactly what it should be.

S is for Status: Tired...oh that's not what they're talking about?  Ahhh...then: In a relationship

T is for Time you woke up: 5:30 a.m. thanks to my alarm that actually went off, unlike my wake-up call... 

U is for what you consider Unique: Laughter.  We all do it, but every single laugh is completely different

V is for favorite Vegetable: Asparagus, Squash, Onions and Mushrooms

W is for Worst Habit: Procrastination.  Easily my biggest downfall in life.

X is for number of X-Rays you've had: None so far this year.  Two CT's, but no x-rays

Z is for Zodiac: Aquarius

I could not ask for more

You all know the song.  I could not ask for more, blah, blah, blah.  I have always, always hated that song.  Everyone in my age bracket was using it for a wedding song and were all dreamy and in love.  I (ever the cynic), rolled my eyes and kept right on wishing for more, hoping for more, dreaming of more.  In fact the more I tried to convince myself that I had everything I could possibly ask for, the more my heart protested that there were SO many things that I was missing.

I set out on a journey.  I found a boy who was a dear friend and who had been chasing me pretty much since he met me.  I looked at him and thought, "no one will ever love me as much as he does.  After all, he's been chasing me for YEARS even though I have given him no indication that I wanted to date him."  In fact, I went to my senior prom with said boy and I am fairly certain that the video is floating around somewhere in which I said that I wouldn't marry him if he was the last man on earth.  So, what did I do?

I married him.  And I bought a house.  And I had a baby.  Because that's what you do.  And this thing over here that I had stuck a pin in?  It decided it didn't want to be pinned anymore.  

Fast forward through a lot of years and a lot of crap and a lot of back story that is in no way shape or form interesting...because I'm nothing if not succinct.  HA!

Today I was humming along to this tune in my head and all of a sudden I realized that it was THAT song.  The one I hated.  And all of a sudden.

I got it.

I packed a lunch and kissed goodbye to a beautiful woman that I am falling for in a ridiculous way.  I put on a new skirt and new shirt that I bought this weekend (guilt free).  I left my white picket fence house and went to work at my completely stable job.  I had a very surreal conversation with my ex-husband about his impending engagement with his new girlfriend.  I talked about diamonds and honeymoons and if my child was going to be a flower girl.  And I felt nothing but thrilled for him to find someone who made him happy.  I picked up my amazing kid from daycare who calls me mother and is pretty much the best thing on the planet.

I literally have every single thing that I could possibly have ever dreamed of, along with some things that are everything I didn't know I wanted. And finally, I understand what all those silly girls were talking about all those years ago.

I have all I've waited for and I could not ask for more.

Who I Am

I originally wrote this post on May 2, 2011.   Many times people sum up who they are and it is only a snapshot of who they are at that moment.  It does not get past the external layers of what truly makes us who we are.  I have been there.  I have written things and looked back and been unrecognizable even to myself.  This was written at a very tumultuous time in my life, and I am unbelievably happy to say that when I read it, I still recognize the girl who wrote it...

I am Stephanie.

I am Betty McSunshine, Ashley, Kiwi, Alice, Georgia, Pima, Steph, Stephie to none, thank God.

I am Queen of the Nicknames.

I am mom, daughter, sister, niece, friend, lover.

I am a little exhausted, but mostly invigorated.  Life is a precious gift and I don’t want to waste a second of it.

I am an imperfect person.

I am giving myself permission to be an imperfect person.  It is not an excuse to be lazy, selfish or intentionally hurtful, but a realization that I am human, and as such, will always fall short.  If my house is not spotless at the end of the day, if the laundry isn’t all caught up, if I didn’t cook my daughter a gourmet meal, or get the pictures hung or the flowers watered, it is OK.  The world will not cease to exist because my bed went unmade for the 12^th day in a row.  I cannot be everything, do everything, please everyone.  It is impossible and unreasonable to ask that of myself.

I am a good friend and I am fiercely loyal.  If you need me, I am here.  Regardless of the day, the time, the reason, if you call me, I will come.  No questions asked.  I am forgiving but I don’t forget if you hurt me or my family.

I am a judgment-free zone.  I may disagree, it may not be what I would have chosen, but I respect that we all have the freedom to make our own choices.  I will never judge you.  In return however, I ask that you not judge me.  I absolutely refuse to build relationships with those who do.

I am bold and intense.  I am loud and my brain has no filter.  I am going to say something that hurts your feelings at some point.  I am going to apologize for hurting you, because I am truly sorry that I did.  I am never going to be intentionally mean.

I am addicted to post-it notes and quotes.  Lucky for me they go together so well.

I am a creative soul.  I love to make jewelry, cards, things for the house, etc.  My favorite thing to make is baby blankets.  As I sit with the soft yarn intertwined around my fingers, I pray for the child it is going to.  That it will keep them warm and offer them security.  I secretly hope that they keep it always and pass it down to their own babies.

I am brave.  I am also terrified.  Of so much I don’t even know where to start.  But I refuse to give in to the fear.  So, I put on my big girl panties and move forward, one tiny step at a time.

I am a believer in Jesus.  I believe that He loves me always.  I believe that He loves you always.  I am so thankful that he extends grace and mercy to a train-wreck like me.

I am in love with my daughter.  I am the mom who stares at her in awe and wonder.  I am so proud of her and the little person she is already becoming.  I am her protector and I am always surprised at just how quickly that shield flies up.

I am incredibly blessed by amazing friends.  Marcel Proust said, “Let us be grateful to those who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.”  My friends dry my tears, make me laugh, love me when I’m unlovable.  They even hold me tightly while it storms and cover my ears when it thunders.  Did I mention I am scared of storms?  I am a sissy.

I am a writer.  I write every single day, even if it’s just for 5 minutes.  I want to publish the novel I am working on.  It is the first one that I believe actually has the potential to not suck.  I dream of the day that I can hold my book in my hands and weep because I actually freakin’ did it.

I am at peace the second my toes hit the shore of the Pacific Ocean.  As the freezing water rushes past my ankles, my toes dig in a little deeper and root themselves to the spot.  All extraneous noise dies, the voices in my head shut up, and all that surrounds me is the whipping wind and crashing waves.  This is what happiness sounds like.  I am blissful.

I am me and I am the only me there will ever be.  I am strong and true and brave.

I am ME.

The Road Not Taken

One of my favorite poems has always been "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost.  The whole thing is truly beautiful but it is the end that gets me every time.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.

I did not take the road less traveled.  I took the path that society was nudging me towards and tried to be joyful about the scenery.  For many years I lied about being happy, to everyone, and on many days, to myself.  I ignored the little voice in the pit of my soul telling me that I was on the wrong path.  And I continued on that road until the day that I physically couldn't make myself do it any longer.

I took a deep breath, and a sharp turn to the right.  It was terrifying.  The darkness that lay between the road behind me and the road I hoped was ahead.  I prayed for just a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel to give me peace that I was headed in the right direction still.  It was during that time that I came across this picture:

I sent it on to my best friend who promptly responded back that she would just go out and catch me some fireflies to light the way.  It was exactly what I needed to keep pressing on.  Two and a half years later I have made it through the woods, and found my new path.  It has not been easy but it has been so, so worth it.  I have made mistakes and followed detours, but these unexpected turns have left me to the life that was waiting around the bend. 

And life is good.