Acceptance

Nothing is so painful to the human mind as a great and sudden change. ~Mary Shelly

Life is funny. Feelings and emotions get wrapped up with rational thoughts and cloud my vision. The things that I could see so clearly, the things that I was so sure of suddenly became hazy. No matter how hard I try to bring it back into focus, nothing is the way that I thought it would be. Today I came to the realization that the thick fog surrounding me isn't going anywhere; it is my new normal. I have been waiting so long to get past the pain but there is no getting past it. The freshness will continue to subside and make way for the dull ache that will never completely leave me. It will be like phantom limb pain; the limb may be gone but the pain still exists and it is real.

When I wrote about the stages of grief, I imagined that acceptance would be like putting the final piece of the puzzle in place. Like it was actually something that could be completed and considered "done" and after that I would be all whole and healed. Perhaps that is not actually the case. Perhaps acceptance doesn't mean that there is no pain but that I am acknowledging that I bear the wounds of a battle hard fought. It means that I am owning my scars, wearing them proudly because they mean I have tried. I didn't just surrender to the grief and pain threatening to completely consume me. I am fighting to dig myself out of the trenches, bit by bit, until I can rise above the pain of the past. I might be an ugly, beaten, bloody, mess but I am still standing. And that is something I can finally accept.

Faithful to Me

This morning I got a wild hair and decided to check my junk email folder (something I never do) and thank God I did. Right there on the very top was an e-mail from Concert Window telling me that Jennifer Knapp had a show tonight. The fact that I had absolutely no idea prior to that just goes to show exactly how deeply entrenched in the dark place I have been this summer. I was ecstatic to see that not only was she going to be playing, she was going to be playing through her Kansas CD. I haven't heard her play most of these so I was really looking forward to watching. By the time 9:00 rolled around I was more than ready to get started.

Nothing could have prepared me for what happened next.

I laughed until I was gasping for air as I listened to her tell about playing Christian music in a lesbian bar (not only can she sing, but the woman has a wicked sense of humor). This is the beauty of her concerts; the songs are phenomenal and the stories between the songs are pure gold. I got teary eyed as she played Martyrs & Thieves and it moved me in a way that it never has before. These songs...these songs I know better than I know myself. But every note, every line breathed fresh wisdom into my very weary soul.

By the time she closed out the show with 'Faithful to Me', I was completely undone. I cannot explain what happened in my house tonight. There are no words big enough to describe enormity what transpired. All I know is that it resonated so deep in my marrow that I will never, ever forget it.


Faithful to Me

All the chisels I've dulled carving idols of stone
That have crumbled like sand 'neath the waves.
I'v recklessly built all my dreams in the sand,
Just to watch them all wash away.

Through another day, another trial, another chance to reconcile
To one who sees past all I see.
And reaching out my weary hand I pray that you'd understand
You're the only one who's faithful to me.

All the pennies I've waste in my wishing well
I have thrown like stones to the sea.
I have cast my lots, dropped my guard, searched aimlessly,
For a faith to be faithful to me.

Through another day, another trial, another chance to reconcile
To one who sees past all I see.
And reaching out my weary hand I pray that you'd understand
You're the only one who's faithful to me.
You're the only one who's faithful to me.