Faithful to Me

This morning I got a wild hair and decided to check my junk email folder (something I never do) and thank God I did. Right there on the very top was an e-mail from Concert Window telling me that Jennifer Knapp had a show tonight. The fact that I had absolutely no idea prior to that just goes to show exactly how deeply entrenched in the dark place I have been this summer. I was ecstatic to see that not only was she going to be playing, she was going to be playing through her Kansas CD. I haven't heard her play most of these so I was really looking forward to watching. By the time 9:00 rolled around I was more than ready to get started.

Nothing could have prepared me for what happened next.

I laughed until I was gasping for air as I listened to her tell about playing Christian music in a lesbian bar (not only can she sing, but the woman has a wicked sense of humor). This is the beauty of her concerts; the songs are phenomenal and the stories between the songs are pure gold. I got teary eyed as she played Martyrs & Thieves and it moved me in a way that it never has before. These songs...these songs I know better than I know myself. But every note, every line breathed fresh wisdom into my very weary soul.

By the time she closed out the show with 'Faithful to Me', I was completely undone. I cannot explain what happened in my house tonight. There are no words big enough to describe enormity what transpired. All I know is that it resonated so deep in my marrow that I will never, ever forget it.


Faithful to Me

All the chisels I've dulled carving idols of stone
That have crumbled like sand 'neath the waves.
I'v recklessly built all my dreams in the sand,
Just to watch them all wash away.

Through another day, another trial, another chance to reconcile
To one who sees past all I see.
And reaching out my weary hand I pray that you'd understand
You're the only one who's faithful to me.

All the pennies I've waste in my wishing well
I have thrown like stones to the sea.
I have cast my lots, dropped my guard, searched aimlessly,
For a faith to be faithful to me.

Through another day, another trial, another chance to reconcile
To one who sees past all I see.
And reaching out my weary hand I pray that you'd understand
You're the only one who's faithful to me.
You're the only one who's faithful to me.

Burdens should not have to be carried alone

Sweet girl.

You have been on my mind every second of today.  I can't seem to focus on anything else; every ounce of my being is broken for you.

I don't know what to say.  I don't know what to tell you.  The hurt for everything you are walking through is too great for words.  Tears are streaming down my face because I can't fix it.  Oh, but I would.  If I could just kiss the boo boo, put a band-aid on it and rock you in my lap until you felt better I would do exactly that.

Why are grown-up problems so much harder to solve than kids?  If only we had known then, we might have blown off the skinned knee a little more often.

It's too much.  It's too much to comprehend, too much to try to wrap my brain around.  Over and over and over I run through it all again, trying to think of a way to help you.  I feel so helpless.  It's the worst feeling in the world, helplessness.  Watching someone you love suffering, unable to do a damn thing about it.  Forget fire-filled inferno's, that is true hell.

I know that God is in control, He just feels so very far away right now.

Thank you, for sharing your heart with me.  For finding my home to be a shelter in the storm.  For trusting that your most intimate fears are safe in my hands.  Rest assured that they are, my darling.  I am clutching them to my chest and weeping with you, pouring out unspoken prayers in rivers. Walk a little lighter, knowing that this weight is not on your shoulders alone.

I love you.

I am here.

It will get better.

I really, really hope it's soon.

He'll meet you wherever you are

Last week was not an excellent one.  There was one day in particular that just got started off on the wrong foot. I was tired, grumpy and generally not feeling like I was exhibiting my best self.  I'm sure none of you are shocked by this, but I think it's important to be honest about the state I was in.  This carried on through the better part of the day and I was SO looking forward to going home as soon as I helped the last person in front of me.  My plan was to get Alaina from school and let her watch as many cartoons as she wanted while we snuggled on the couch.

I imagine that God likes to laugh a lot at the plans I make.

As I was helping her, we were talking a bit and I could tell that a heavy burden was being carried.  I listened to her telling her story and my heart broke at the same time my brain was wondering how she was managing to get up every morning.  The counter between us seemed like a ridiculously large barrier so I walked around it to stand next to her.  As she continued talking, I felt very strongly that she wasn't the only one speaking to my heart.  God's voice was right there, telling me to pray with her.

I am firmly rooted in my faith and have no trouble whatsoever expressing my beliefs.  I also have a firm grasp on the fact that not everyone believes what I believe.  The office is not a place where I feel the need to speak to people about the Romans Road or ask if their name is written in the Lambs Book of Life.  Asking a complete stranger if I could pray over her while standing in the front office was not on my list of things to do.  Ever.  But that is the thing about being called by God; He doesn't so much care if it was on your to-do list.  He knows you better than you know yourself and He is going to use you exactly where you are.

I had to dig the words deep from my gut and force them out.  But I asked her if I could pray with her and she said yes.  I have no idea what I said, but it didn't matter.  If God could use me as a vessel, He could make the words tumbling out be what she needed to hear.  I am very sure that there were some very surprised co-workers who were wondering why the lesbian girl that is sometimes a little rough around the edges was crying and praying in the front office.  One of them asked who she was...I responded honestly that I've never met her before in my life.

I am so, so imperfect.  I make mistakes and less than loving decisions often.  But I cannot, CANNOT ignore very clear convictions about something I am being called to do.  Even when they don't make sense to anyone else.  Even when they don't make sense to me.  I don't know why I was called to pray with this woman on this day, but I walked away with a renewed sense of wonder at the awesome God we serve.  We live in a world that loves to judge and tell people that aren't "good Christians" that God hates them.

THAT IS NOT TRUE.

Just like an earthly parent, God wants nothing more than to lavish you with love and joy.  He may not always think you're making the best choices, but He NEVER stops loving you.  He NEVER stops listening if you want to talk.  There is ALWAYS room in his lap to curl up and let yourself be comforted.  So wherever you are, please hear that today.  Tune out all of the noise around you from other imperfect people and listen to the voice of the One who matters.

Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord - Romans 8:38-39

The midnight hour

There is something about the stillness of nightfall that lends itself to deep thinking.  When the rest of the world is fast asleep, the fog lifts and clarity settles into my bones.  All of the thoughts and anxieties that have been zooming around my brain quiet.  The only thing remaining in that sacred space is the truth.  

Last night I woke to my little one's face peering over the side of the bed.  "Mama?  Can I come snuggle with you?"  I looked back and saw pink footy pajamas & the sweetest face staring back at me, searching mine for the answer she wanted.  What was there to possibly say in that moment except for of course, climb up.  I shifted over and made room for her.  Before I could even give her a kiss, she was asleep again.  

We lay there in the bed together, belly to belly, both of us completely content.  Every night for months, we lay in this exact same position while Alaina was still nursing.  For many moms the middle of the night feedings are torture.  Me?  I loved them.  In those moments, it felt like there was no one in the world but us.  I used to stare at her with wonder, completely in awe of the fact that my very imperfect self created this oh-so-perfect baby.  Last night I marveled once again at the perfect miracle next to me.

It amazes me that the tiny baby who used to fit in the crook of my arm has grown into a long and lanky little girl whose feet are now even with my knees. Spindly arms threw themselves loosely over my shoulder as if wanting to hug me, but too tired to hang on.  Long thick hair tangled underneath my fingers in place of the baby fuzz that once covered her head.  So much has changed.  So much is the same.  She turns her face into my chest and I can feel her exhale against me.  I stroked the palm of her hand, still so tiny in mine.  Her fingers instinctively opened and closed around mine.  Even far off in dreamland she wanted to hold on to me. The shape of her face with her perfect nose is still exactly the same as it was 5 years ago.

I don't do this enough.  In the hustle of everyday life I don't take enough time to slow down and just drink it all in.  It goes by too fast.  

So for the next hour I pulled my baby in closer and fell in love with her all over again.  I felt the weight of the responsibility God has given me.  The honor and the privilege, the abundant blessings she brings all rained down on me.  The knowledge that so many souls are aching, desperate for the chance to experience this. Others mourning the loss, knowing all too well that not all stories turn out this way.  My heart filled and gratitude washed over me as I offered up a silent prayer of thanksgiving.

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

My faith is restored

So many times there are things that cause my faith in humanity to falter a little.  Or a lot.  This includes the general ugliness of people around me as well as more specifically targeted hatred towards the LGBT community.  Hop online for longer than five minutes and you will be bombarded with stories in which people are discriminated against and belittled because of their sexuality.  It is nearly impossible to remain naive to the controversy that is happening in Russia, as they have somehow managed to regress instead of moving forward.  It is incredibly disheartening that the worst of the damage so often is coming from the very people that proclaim God's love.  The basics of the message are horribly twisted.  God loves everyone - unless you are LGBT and then God hates you.  What?  You're gay?  Nope, no mercy for you!

Thank goodness that thicker skin I special ordered came in already, because it's going to come in handy.

In light of all that, it is so difficult to remain positive and optimistic about the changes that are happening.  But today, I came across this incredible website that has restored a little bit of my faith.  Inspired by the It Gets Better Project, the NALT (Not All Like That) Christians Project has been started.  The goal of this project is to tell the LGBT community that not all Christians are like that.  There is love and support out there.  Spirituality and sexuality are not mutually exclusive.  So many videos have been uploaded already and I am beyond certain that there will be more to come.  I strongly encourage anyone reading this to go check it out for yourself and then tell everyone you know to do the same.  It won't be often that I really passionately speak out about something like this, but I welcome the opportunity to do so today.  

Now I am off to do the same as I only made it through a handful of videos before I had to stop and share it and I am dying to get back and watch the rest of the them.  Please go check it out.  I have a feeling it will help restore your faith in humanity a little bit too.

Looking Back

I was looking for something in an archive of old writing earlier.  As I skimmed and browsed, I happened to stumble across this:

I so envy the people who know exactly what their dreams are.  Those people who know exactly who they are and what they desire out of life.  Their unshakable confidence makes me insane with jealousy.  Not because they are smarter, or prettier, or more talented, but because they are SO sure of what they want.  Even if the pathway to get there is broken, they have a destination to aim for, a direction to walk in.  I long for a moment of that kind of clarity.  Just once, I would like to feel that sure of myself instead of the crippling self-doubt that tells me every decision I am making is the wrong one.

I hope that one day I will find that girl and truly love her for all of the things that make her uniquely "her", completely and unconditionally.  Maybe one day...

I sat back in my chair aching for the girl behind these words, hardly believing that they were my own.  I was about to continue skimming when I happened to note the date that I wrote these: April 8, 2011.  Exactly two years ago today.  How on earth did I get from there to here?  I can't remember ever noticing the change.  I didn't wake up one day happy and bursting with self-confidence,  yet nothing in me identifies with the words written above. The most painful thing about self-discovery and assurance is that it is solitary.  No one can make those decisions for you; it's a road you take all by yourself.  But I wish so much that I could sit down with that girl and chat with her for a few minutes.  I so badly want to gather her up in a hug and try to ease some of the pain that she is carrying.  

Oh sweetie, it doesn't matter if you know what direction you're walking in, it matters that you keep walking.  You don't have to have a specific dream as long as you're open to new possibilities that the world might send your way.  No one has all the answers; You are not supposed to know them all.  But you must commit to seeking them with all your heart.  The more transparent and authentic you are (even if only with yourself), the more you will feel your spirit begin to sing.  Don't shut people out who love you, even if they don't know how to help, they mean well.  Lean on them when you cannot hold yourself up anymore.  I promise that it will get easier.  Hang in there.  You are better than this moment in time.    You may not know it yet, but I do.  For you see, I have been there.

Love in the Home

"Love in the Home"

If I live in a house of spotless beauty with everything in it's place,

But have not love, I am a housekeeper - not a homemaker.

If I have time for waxing, polishing and decorative achievements,

But have not love, my children learn cleanliness - not godliness.

Love leaves the dust in search of a child's laugh.

Love smiles at the tiny fingerprints on a newly cleaned window.

Love wipes away tears before it wipes up the spilled milk.

Love picks up the child before it picks up the toys.

Love is present through the trials.

Love reprimands, reproves, and is responsive.

Love crawls with the baby, walks with the toddler, runs with the child,

Then stands aside to let the youth walk into adulthood.

Love is the key that opens salvation's message in a child's heart.

Before I became a mother I took glory in my house of perfection.

Now I rest in God's perfection of HIS glory.

As a mother, there is much I must teach my child,

But the greatest of all is love.

~Author Unknown

Have a Little Faith

I write.  I am a writer.  When verbal words fail me, I sit and craft sentences that much more accurately portray all that I am feeling.  And yet, I sit here tonight and words are somehow failing me.  I have written and deleted and pondered and written and deleted again.  My fingers have been hovering over the keys, dancing in mid-air as if they are itching to sort out what this heart of mine is feeling. And still all that comes out on my blank screen is that somehow the words are still a jumble.

I am really and truly content with this place that I am in.  I met someone.  Well, technically we met awhile ago, but have recently reconnected.  And I can honestly say that this happiness has everything and nothing to do with her.  Yes, we are having happy moments together.  Many joyful and laughter filled moments that are nothing short of wonderful.  We are getting to know each other and it is really, really lovely. 

You see, I am the jaded sort.  Dark and twisty.  Very cynical, this heart of mine, always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Waiting for the people I trust to betray me, which experience has told me is almost a certainty.  And here is this amazing woman who has walked into my life again and she is so real, so genuine that she is restoring my faith in humanity a little bit.   I know not why or how, I only know that it is truth.  Oh, how I want to analyze and break it down and understand.   But how do I explain the unexplainable?  From somewhere in the deep recess of my brain I hear a chuckle.  

Have a little faith, my child.  Stop, and just have a little faith.

In the hour that I've been sitting here staring at the screen, that is the first thing that makes sense.  Can I do it? Can I stop and just be?  That goes against everything I am.  How can there be clarity and awareness without seeking answers?  It is then that I am reminded of the Indigo Girls lyric, "the less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine."  So I smile to myself as I close my laptop, no closer to any real understanding than I was when I opened it. Tonight I have everything I need.  As for the rest of the answers...I'll just have to have a little faith.

I Am Not Worthy

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.

The five stages of grief.  I move through them, circling, rewinding, progressing, repeating the first four steps so many times I lose count.  I feel as though I have moved on to acceptance.  I let my guard down a fraction of an inch to exhale, but grief is a sneaky bitch.  She reaches out an iron fist to squeeze my heart once again.  There are times that I can see the blow coming and can shield myself from the brunt of it.  But she has caught me in a moment of vulnerability and I am blind sided by the force with which it struck me.  My breath catches in my lungs, frozen in place, while tears well up in my eyes.  I don't even realize that they are streaming down my face until the collar of my shirt is soaked with them.  I feel a hand reach out to grasp mine and that is my undoing.  The breath that has been frozen releases in a sob as I bury my face in her neck.  Time stands still.  I feel nothing but the waves of grief washing over me.  As the pain subsides and the clock begins to move again, I am acutely aware of a voice whispering in my ear. I love you.  I am here.  Always.  I love you.  No matter what happens, I will always be here.  I love you.  I am here. I love you. I am here. I love you.  Her arms are around me and she is gently rocking my broken body back and forth, stroking my hair, soothing my soul. The abundant love that is so freely shared humbles me.  

Here tonight in this space I feel the love that passes all understanding.  I feel the grace of God in human form.  An angel that has stood in the divide and covered the gap. 

I am reminded again that the pain of what I have lost cannot begin to compare with the magnitude of what I have gained.  

I am not worthy. 

I am not worthy.

The Ending

"Great is the art of the beginning, but greater is the art of ending."

~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I have been thinking about this a lot lately, the ending of things.  Whether it's a relationship, a friendship, a job, or any other ending, we tend to handle it badly.  Even though change is truly the only constant in life, so it's inevitable that things are going to change.  If you're anything like me, you play what-if's for the next 6 months, and wonder why, what, how things could have gone differently.  I used to make myself crazy this way!  It has not been until very recently that I really got some clarity on the subject.

Instead of dreading change and fearing the ending of things, we should treat them as necessary steps to the new beginning of something else.  With grapevines, there is a pruning that must take place in order for the vines to produce grapes.  Every season, cuts are made so the rest of the vine may flourish and bear fruit.  In life, I am hesitant to make these cuts, to sever the ties.  It is extremely painful and difficult.  However, I am learning that evaluating where cuts need to be made is essential to living a full and rich life that will be fruitful.  Bad habits that need to be cut, a toxic work environment needs to be cut, someone with constant negativity needs to be cut.  Not necessarily cut out of your life, especially if it is a person, but putting the boundary there that allows you to step back from the influence it has on your life and your ability to move forward.

By being aware of what feeds us and being willing to end the things that are holding us back, we are truly able to begin to grow and move on to the bright new beginning that is just waiting for us to step into it.