Looking Back

I was looking for something in an archive of old writing earlier.  As I skimmed and browsed, I happened to stumble across this:

I so envy the people who know exactly what their dreams are.  Those people who know exactly who they are and what they desire out of life.  Their unshakable confidence makes me insane with jealousy.  Not because they are smarter, or prettier, or more talented, but because they are SO sure of what they want.  Even if the pathway to get there is broken, they have a destination to aim for, a direction to walk in.  I long for a moment of that kind of clarity.  Just once, I would like to feel that sure of myself instead of the crippling self-doubt that tells me every decision I am making is the wrong one.

I hope that one day I will find that girl and truly love her for all of the things that make her uniquely "her", completely and unconditionally.  Maybe one day...

I sat back in my chair aching for the girl behind these words, hardly believing that they were my own.  I was about to continue skimming when I happened to note the date that I wrote these: April 8, 2011.  Exactly two years ago today.  How on earth did I get from there to here?  I can't remember ever noticing the change.  I didn't wake up one day happy and bursting with self-confidence,  yet nothing in me identifies with the words written above. The most painful thing about self-discovery and assurance is that it is solitary.  No one can make those decisions for you; it's a road you take all by yourself.  But I wish so much that I could sit down with that girl and chat with her for a few minutes.  I so badly want to gather her up in a hug and try to ease some of the pain that she is carrying.  

Oh sweetie, it doesn't matter if you know what direction you're walking in, it matters that you keep walking.  You don't have to have a specific dream as long as you're open to new possibilities that the world might send your way.  No one has all the answers; You are not supposed to know them all.  But you must commit to seeking them with all your heart.  The more transparent and authentic you are (even if only with yourself), the more you will feel your spirit begin to sing.  Don't shut people out who love you, even if they don't know how to help, they mean well.  Lean on them when you cannot hold yourself up anymore.  I promise that it will get easier.  Hang in there.  You are better than this moment in time.    You may not know it yet, but I do.  For you see, I have been there.